always smiling

the blog of all blogs...

2009-02-18T15:01:00.003Z

ok so i have come to realise that the whole blog thing seems to be going through a bit of a slump... i fear facebook and twitter seem to have taken over so i thought i would take one for the team and do a little blog message... well more of a little update and some interesting information!!

This weekend Claire and Dale came to visit. It was great to see them and spend some time with them. We went to some old abbey place on Saturday which was great cus claire enjoyed all the boring abbey history stuff and me and dale just had a laff... photos to come (see claire!!)

Last night i co-led a safe&sound evening... it was great, the group that came were all really nice and it was generally just a nice evening... untill i realised i am now the responsible mentor for like 5 different people... but thats ok cus i am responsible you see!!!!!

ENCAPTURE youth church starts 4th March which is actually really really really soon. Me and a guy from the CofE church are creating a non-denominational youth church... like an actual church!! - great, amazing opportunity and experience but trying to do this ontop of a fulltime degree and youthwork job is quite intense!!

Claires wedding is getter closer and closer and she gently reminded me that i am incharge of the hen do (so if you have any ideas please dont forget to email them to me!!!!!!)

Beth (my house mate and generally good friend) is moving out in may to get married and all that stuff so i am currently in the process of finding as many things to prevent this from happening as i can... hahaha!

skiping christmas...

2008-12-23T11:25:00.002Z

so last night i watched a film called "christmas with the karmons" or something like that. And basically the story goes that they skip christmas and this got me thinking... skipping christmas... it sounds fantastic... controversial but fantastic!! This couple didnt get invloved in any aspect of chirstmas... they brought no tree, no christmas calender, put up no decorations, brought no pressents, sent no cards... they simply wanted to skip christmas. However, they found it extremly hard to do this because of the people around them... their friends, neighbours who all expected christmas to be the same as last year.
At this time of the year i can be known for being a bit of a scroodge... im not a particular fan of christmas... or what christmas has become... yea its ment to be about remembering jesus birthday and all that jazz but is it really... how much of the day do i spend thinking about god? praising god? There has been a thing recently about how society has got into the habbit of calling christmas xmas... completly taking christ of it...
So this year im taking a different angle... im not coming back to essex for christmas this year... im guna spend time reflecting on the real meaning of christmas... im going to put christ back in christmas... christmas this year isn't going to be about pleaseing everyone else its guna be about celebrating jesus being born!!!

new addition

2008-12-05T14:01:00.001Z

just want to draw your attention to the right hand side of my blog at my "friends that blog" list... a new addition is ian - the advent blog.

Take a look its awesome!!!

all i want is a box that fits me!!

2008-11-09T12:31:00.003Z

So who am i then? recently as part of my essential 2 programme i had to fill in a mcquaig personality test thing. It took me ages to fill out so i thought it might actually be benificial... like the more these things know about you the more they seem to be correct - well thats what ive found in the past anyway!
However i got the results back on friday and i was actually quite excited... i wasnt convinced they'd be perfect but i was really anticipating a nice little tidy box that they'd put me in that i would be able to say "hey i fit into this box". But actually what i found was that i hadnt fallen into a box, well that i had but it wasnt the right one. The majority of the statements they came out with couldnt be further from the truth. For example one of them was that my natural instinct was to be organised and manage my time effectiffly, but that couldnt be further from the truth... i have to work really hard at being organised and still havent grasped how to manage my time effectivly! so i gave my line manager a copy and asked him to read through bits of it to see what he thought and without me saying anything he asked me if i was the one that had filled it in! - so since friday ive been throwing around some ideas about why this could be... ive come up with this so far... That i dont know who i am so i filled it in to the best i could but because i am unsure of who i am a mixture of answers went down whcih produced a mix up box for me to fit in! - but then that would meen that in order to find out who you are with one of those questionaire thingys you first need to know who you are, which surely defeats the whole point of doing it!!

what was and what wil???

2008-11-07T11:23:00.002Z

Have i reached 'what will'?
in my about me section i have preveously wrote i am floating around somewhere between what was and what will. So my question today is 'have i reached what will'?
when i wrote it i as literally in no-mans ground, i had finished what i was doing and my new thing hadnt started yet. So techniqully if i was looking at it like that then yes i have reached the 'what will' but then im faced with will there always be a what will? are we always floating around somewhere between what was and what will? but how can we be when there is a present? or is it just me not excepting my present? i dont feel like ive reached what i was waiting for yet so does that mean im still in no mans land?? surely not.... im living the present, yes and i am waiting for what will and reflecting on what was so maybe.... i dont know... where am i?

miscellaneous...

2008-09-26T13:43:00.004+01:00

wow its been so long!

what to blog about... isnt it funny how when you get out of a routine of doing something its hard to get back into one!!

This year i have set myself the target of reading the whole bible. Yes its a bit extreme... but actuallly i dont think it is!! My knowledge of the bible is actually rubbish and so i really do think it will be so benificial espessially as one of my modules at uni this year is the history of the old testiment. However, i started this mission yeasterday and managed to read the first 7 chapters of genesis. I was very pleased with myself. But i have come away with so many questions... who was cain's wife???

anyway, i am growing up. I am. Yes i think so. People say so. Do they? Am i? Should i be? I am now officially a univeristy student and A youth worker... does that mean ive grown up?? i could have done both of these things last year, so am i any more grown up this year as i was last year? does being a youth worker or a student meen i hve to be grown up?? Well, yes. A youth worker is an actual proffessional occupation. HAHA!! Im professional? yes i am. people say so. do they? am i? should i be?

Becoming a church planter. Yes this year i will be planting a church. HAHA, im planting a church!!

the ability to date. This year i am aloud to have an intimate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. I am no longer under the ruling of essential1 and am young, free and single. However something i found a few months after entering this phase of my life is that the opposite sex were much more fun when i wasnt aloud to be with them than they are no i am!! - i was much more interesteed last year then i am this year... all because i was told i couldnt!!!! - how true is that statement about loads of things in life??!!!

"why do you do what you do?... what do you do again??"

2008-08-23T22:48:00.003+01:00

"Why do you do what you do?... what is it you do again?" these statements came at me in a conversation i was having with a drunk guy the same age as me recently. over and over again he just kept saying "yeah but why" (i never knew who frustrating it was until it was done to me!!) he didnt understand why i didnt drink, why i walked around the street at midnight chatting to young people, he didnt understand why i didnt do crack, he didnt understand why i was bothered.
"why do you do what you do?... what is it you do again?" i absolutely loved the conversation and although he was slightly drunk his statements have stuck with me ever since!! Why do i do what i do? he also kept saying "yeah but your 19 you should be going out getting **(drunk)** and **(having sex)** with some fit guys. your 19 you should be having fun, loving life, free and easy" And i agree with him, well to a certain extent. i am 19 (thats a fact btw!!) and i should be going out and having fun, enjoying life.
So why do i do what i do? Because i believe in a god that created me, not by accident or mistake, he created me intentionally. I believe that god has purpose for my life. I believe that there are people out there that god also created intentionally, for a purpose but for whatever reason dont realise it. I believe that my god is a god emotion. He loves me more than i could ever understand and i believe that my god would want all the other people out there to realise his love for them. I believe the best thing i could do is recognise and worship my god. I believe through my relationship with my god i am saved when i die and i also believe its not my call to keep this to myself.
I do what i do because i dont see that i cant.

when things come full cirlcle and hit you round the face!

2008-08-20T15:04:00.003+01:00

Coming back home so soon after arriving in essex gave me the opportunity to gt a job before i start uni. The job i got was a cleaner! yes i am now a qualified cleaner of wetherby high school! its great, i love it. Ive had good fun scrubbing walls and floors and tables, re-arranging desks and chairs, scraping polish off floors but yesterday was just the best! let me explain...

In my last year of senior school i became, well, lets just say i lost all motivation to do any work and so became what they call "a naughty kid"!! one of the "naughty" things i really enjoyed doing was grafting on desks, chairs and even walls. I loved it because it was something i was quite good at and also wasnt meant to be good at!! But yesterday i found myself on the other side of the graffiti fun, i was cleaning it off!! Talk about things coming round to hit you in the face!! never once when i was at school did i ever think i would one day be cleaning off other peoples naughty behaviour!!

stanford-le-hope!!!

2008-08-08T13:19:00.003+01:00

So this week has been one of the last major children's ministries events i will do. I have planned and lead the holiday club of Stanford-le-hope salvation army. And yes i have just called it by its proper name, for one reason only... this week i have seen with my own eyes some awesome stuff.... so awesome that the name stanford-no-hope just doesnt fit.... there is certainly hope in stanford-le-hope.
For me, the week has been great because ive been able to plan pretty much everything and lead it through with the kids. The kids have shown a real liken to me and for most of them they have never seen me before.
Its been great to hear some of their profound statements, funniest jokes that really dont make sense, questions that are soooo abstract even i wouldnt think of them, to see the looks on their faces when we let off 20 odd balloons into the sky, to see them all consumed by their worship to god and to hear them all resighting a verse from the bible they had learnt 3 days ago. It really has been a fantastic week, of fun, laughter, singing, shouting, sticking, dancing, playing, drawing, talking, eating and worshiping!!
I actually felt a real sense of sadness this afternoon when we were reaching the end, these kids have loved it... and that's not me just being big headed but the parents were saying they cant seem to stop their kids talking about it and all we did was love them and had a good time with them. We listened and spent time with these kids. Nothing was more important to me this week than giving these kids all of me, i wasnt bothered that on two separate occasions my coffee was cold or we had 20mins for drink&biscuit instead of 5 because actually those moments were so important.
So am i gonna stop doing kids ministry.... no i am not!!!!!!!

Todd Bentley - what do you think??

2008-08-02T22:09:00.002+01:00

Todd Bentley - what do you think??
Not so long ago we saw part of a "healing outpouring" of Todds on dvd. When i saw it i wasnt convinced. Maybe sceptical, maybe negative or maybe realistic. However, ever since that wednesday night i havent been able to get very far away from todd in my thoughts. So i thought im in on a Saturday night on alone i think ill flick on the god channel and watch a bit more of Todd Bentley.

So hear i am, about 10mins into it i was ready to blog but i thought id give him more of a chance, so ive been watching the God channel and Todd Bentley for about 2 1/2 hours now, and i just dont get it!! I find it rather too hyped!! But what im not sure of is whether its the whole thing i don't quite believe in ie-the healing or whether its just the guy Todd - maybe if a different person led it through i would feel different. But then how judgemental is that of me, its not what he looks like or what clothes he wears its just it like "Ive got the power" is the only way to discribe it!!

so has anyone seen Todd Bentleys healing outpourings or heard of him or have an opinion... please???

waiting on the M1 hard shoulder as an essential AGAIN!!

2008-07-31T21:29:00.003+01:00

So this was the excitement on the trip from wetherby to Sunbury for our debrief week of essential1. It was awesome... ive never seen a tyre attached to a car like it... let alone my car!!!

So roughly and hour half into our journey our tyre burst, but it wasnt that much of a issue as we could only do 55mph anyway so the exhaust wouldn't fall off!!

Called the clever people (who actually are really un-intelligent and grumpy and un helpful) and they eventually sent someone out to us. This man was called Richard, he looked rather unhappy so i decided i would make it my mission as a disciple of Jesus Christ to make him leave with a smile on his face - and he did! Once he had done all his little pumping and screwing and replacing and fixing and id signed the form i simply asked if i could take a photo... he said yes with a smile, smiled throughout the photo and while getting back into his truck!! (see above).

so a journey that takes some people 3 hours took the wetherby essential 8!!

yesterdays talk!

2008-06-16T14:40:00.001+01:00

I am a spiritual leader in 2008. these are my passions and desires and this is how they relate to 2008!

So what do i feel strongly about, what gets me buzzing, what do i feel so extreme about that i can’t sleep at night? I have a passion for young people; i have a passion for people that don’t quite make it in today’s society, i feel passionately about the youth of today that don’t or won’t squeeze themselves into the box yesterday’s culture has made for them. I am passionate about not giving up on people, not labelling young people as “no hopers”, everyone has the potential to do something amazing but not everyone will go about it the same way. I was with a group of people on Friday and we were discussing how you’d react if you were faced with a kid that constantly disrupts your youth club... a lot of the answers that were given back were “we would give them the ultimatum that they either behaves or leaves” and i just couldn’t agree with that, i feel very passionately about not just giving up on people, that kid obviously comes for a reason and there are bound to be reasons for their behaviour and so how on earth could you even consider telling them if they chop of their left arm, where pink trousers and only speaks in Latin they can come, if not we are not interested in them?! That is what i am passionate about.
Recently i was asked the question “what is the most important issue the government should be tackling today?” And of course my passions and desires came out. I have a desire for the education system to change. School as it sits at the moment is great for a select group of people, but actually there are so many young people who struggle like mad, that aren’t made that weren’t created for the brick walls of school. Education is such a massive part of a young person’s life, especially today in 2008 so why do we just have one format, one schedule, one set of ‘we do’s and we don’ts’. To get anywhere nowadays it seems like you have to jump through hoop after hoop, pass go and collect your £200, which again is fine for the people that can, but what about the people that can’t? Where are they gonna go? I am passionate about looking at people specifically young people, as people, not as a youth group member or the sister of... or the ‘no hoper’ but as a person that god created and loves.
Overall, i have a burning desire for the youth and young people of 2008 to recognise the love and the massiveness of god.

waiting

2008-06-05T09:23:00.002+01:00

this has been my word of the week for about 10months now... the main reason of why is that i simply have never got round to changing while being up here but when i think about it that word has still always been appropriate. Right through the year i have felt in a sense of 'waiting'.Always waiting for the next thing, the next feeling, the next... Right up until now. I realised this morning, i am content in what i am doing right at this point in my life, i am looking forward to the next step of my journey but im not waiting in anticipation... even though im ready for it i am happy just being.
When i was thinking about it my thoughts went down the road of 'what does waiting actually mean?' is it preferring your next step over your current step? is it counting down the days to get out of where you currently are? Does it mean you'd do anything to have the next thing?? because if so i am certainly not waiting. We have about 6 weeks left of essential1, and even though i have a rough plan of whats next for me i am not wanting essential1 to be over.
But, should we as Christians always be in a state of waiting?? We should always be ready for whatever god has in plan but maybe not counting down the days to get there???!!!

day 5 of the facebook fast!!

2008-05-21T08:13:00.000+01:00

day 5 of the facebook fast...

Im really reaching the hard run of this fast now. Some people say when your trying to loose an addiction it takes 3 days of hardship and then it becomes easier and easier... THATS A LIE!!! my first 3 days were fine, i didnt need it i didnt even particually want it, day 5 and ive realised i cant get through the day without it!! i need to log onto facebook. i need to interact with my people, i need to update my status, i need to play text twirl!!!!

overall feelings for day 5 - I NEED FACEBOOK!!!

the issue of facebook...

2008-05-16T10:44:00.002+01:00

so i have been pin pointed as an addict of facebook. However i would strongly like to argue this issue. yes i have a facebook account, yes i do check it everyday, yes i do go onto it when i get in first thing in the morning... however i am not addicted. If i wanted to stop i could, just because i choose not to i am labelled with this label!
Well, this is what my thoughts have been for a while, however, when someone in our office told me yesterday he had deleted his account i was horrified. It filled me with dread to think about deleting mine. This thought has worried me slightly.
so today, with a bit / a lot of influence from certain people i am fasting from facebook, for a whole week. I will not log onto facebook until 11 o'clock next friday morning!!
WHAT AM I DOING?? HOW AM I GOING TO PROCRASTINATE NOW??

the sillyness!!

2008-05-08T14:55:00.002+01:00

ok, so, some really silly things have happened in the world of "me" recently...

i stappeled my finger! yes i have two small but rather painfull holes in my middle right hand finger where a stappel was actualy stuck in it!
i got pooped on by a pigeon! This happened on tuesday afternoon, me and few other essentials were sitting on a bench / the floor as the only roots people that still hadnt gone home (!). I was sitting on the floor with other people sitting on the bench for approximatly 3 hours, some more of our group got up and left to go home which made the bench free to sit on, so i moved off the floor and perched on the bench... 30 seconds later.. plop!!! - unimressed!!
i got a parking ticket! Liz i am starting to identify with that feeling you seem to have quite a lot ;)

the input you do not see

2008-04-15T16:13:00.003+01:00

The input you do not see. This blog is written in thought of a conversation i had with a very good friend of mine the other day. My very good friend is getting married next year and so is heavily involved in wedding prep. her and her fioncee have been looking at reception venues and have now narrowed the list down to just 3 venues. However, when talking on the phone to her mum all was revealed. While her parents were on Holiday they got friendly with another couple by the pool that just so happened to live in leeds. after a few conversations the lady from this couple tels my friends mum about a hotel my friend and her fiancee should look at for a reception. Well thats nice you think, however now, my friends mum has got her head set on them having the reception at this random hotel. My friend was in despair, the comment that sparked this blog was "that woman has no idea what she is Medellin in, she's completely oblivious shes ruined my life!" Now i am aware the end of that is quite over dramatic, but its so true, my friend is now battling to have what she wants at her wedding all because some random lady meddled in something that is nothing to do with her!
How much meddling do we do?? how much of an evangelist are we to meddle into places and tell someone about the great news of jesus?? would we dare to start talking to a random couple by a pool in egypt and tell them about something they just have to go home and tell their family about?? is that the best way?? is it the only way?? should we squish and and squash the cross and the message of jesus christ to fit our audience, decorate it up for it to be "appropriate" for the people we are talking to or should we say "HEY THIS IS IT, THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THIS IS YOUR SAVIOUR"??

you want moorish you get moorish!!

2008-04-12T16:14:00.002+01:00

Nobby's nuts - sweet chilli flavour coated peanuts. The most moorish product ive ever tried. A whole bag of mouth watering nuts. Once youve had one theres no going back, your sumend for life to this highly addictive highly scrumptious product. My first time was thursday afternoon, in less than 24 hours i had bought a new bag and in less than 48hours i had finished 2 whole bags with a spare one in my cupboard.... some may call me fat others just addicted. i tell you, you really cant just have one. i feel i have to share this. Nobby's nuts are the greatest thing around for miles... go try them... NOW!!

easter this year

2008-03-25T08:52:00.003Z

200 helium balloons + 200 pieces of ribbon + 1 helium machine + 3 very tired essentials + not much time = easter this year

community lunch + outside games + prayer walking + giving into the community + 4 inch of snow and ice and sludge = easter this year

egg hunt + glass collecting + parachute games + cafe = easter this year

lots of meals + reflections + praise + sport = Easter this year

1 man + 1 traitor + 2 criminals + faith of 11 men + 1 god = easter this year

This easter i have taken things from a different perspective. I have seen easter this year through the eyes of the disciples. What faith must those men have had. after reading dawns blog the other day i checked out the last episode of the passion and it was all about the disciples... and i saw easter from a completely different side again.
The one thing i am not going to do this easter though is as im packing it all away in the literal sense not to just put it back in a box for me personally, to wake up everyday in the knowledge that yes has risen!

Where has everyone gone??

2008-03-18T10:16:00.003Z

A kinda surprise. What an awesome thing! This week team wetherby are doing school assemblies every morning on Easter. I love it. We are using an analogy with kinda eggs. (for those that havent picked it up... break the egg, take the toy out (the surprise) you have an empty egg (tomb) but a toy (surprise / new life!) ) its quite a simple analogy but it works so well!!!
We have been encouraging the kids to not forget the end of the story, the fact that he rises again, and like the kinda egg the chocolate will be gone / eaten but its the toy that you will take away with you, the new thing that you will keep.

So training. a few people have asked me how training was for me upon my return. and when i give the response "yea it was ok" the question that seems to being followed is "too challenging??" And that is exactly the thing... it wasn't challenging, thats why my response isn't brilliant, because i didn't get challenged, i wasn't pushed or stretched, i didnt have headaches from my brain working over time, my beliefs and values wasn't questioned, i didnt learn anything new, i wasn't uncomfortable (apart from being in a classroom for 10 hours a day). I see amazing things happen here at my placement everyday. I wake up in the morning expecting to be in awe of god in completely new ways, everyday. So i suppose i should have realised that wasn't going to happen at training, but why should i, i should be able to see god everyday, wherever i am... so what was it that stopped me?!! hmm!

Easter... this year i am heavily involved in the church plans for Easter, in fact i am 1 of 5 people (another being Jesus!) organising and running the weekend. And i have to say, we are doing loads! never before have i been involved in such a weekend as this. its guna be awesome, busy and energetic but awesome, we are in and out of our community for the whole weekend (and week afterwards!)

So that is just a brief update into the life of me the past two weeks! where has everyone gone???

don't take whats not yours!

2008-03-09T08:44:00.002Z

Ive come to the realisation and to accept that living a year like this for god has its ups and downs, thankfully for me there are many more us than downs. However this week saw another incident to bring us all back down to earth, with a bang. Thursday evening we realised we had been burgled! now with most things that happen here, its was not as bad as it could have been, obviously it wasn't because god is in control, but it was still bad enough that it really freaked us out. We think they came in two or three days in a row, looked through and moved absolutly everything but then put it all back again to make it look like nothing has changed. There was only a few things that were taken and on thursday they even left us something, which was kind of them! So nothing to worry about, i actually find it quite encouraging because we keep being "attacked" with things like this it must mean that we, as a team, are doing something right, that god is pleased with us!
Last sundays meeting was talking about "i see bones you see an army" book, and it was all about the way you see things. So this blog is to thank the people that did take what wasn't theres this week, and for leaving us the present they did and for simply encouraging me! stupid maybe but i choose to see this week as a gift!

the man in the orange jacket!

2008-03-04T09:31:00.002Z

yesterday was rather enventful... daisy got ill. the day started as usual and we left the house. When walking out the front door no symptoms were to be noticed, we got inside, turned the engine on and still no symptoms were around, however as soon as she was reversed off the drive daisy was making it clear she wasn't very well! - yes, beth's car is in hospital! we (three females!) got outof daisy and walked around poking and proding, lifting the bonit up and down and we agreed, something was wrong!! daisy was driven back onto the drive and we walked to school. on ariving home at the end of the day me and beth ecided to try and take daisy for a spin to see if a little lay-in had helped her symptons, this proved to be a wrong idea as after driving a little way the strong smell of burning rubber had swamped the car, back to the drive way it was. After a few minutes of pondering and throwing around a few ideas, and contacting various males the decision was made to call out the docters!!!
At roughly 5.30pm the man in the orange jacket arived at our front door. and how lovely he was! so this is a blog designated to the man in the orange jacket who went just that step further. He realised we had absolutly no idea what to do or what was wrong and took control. what a nice man we both said once ariving home last night. He even drove the car onto the metal thing that holds the car while being toed!

fully submitted to god

2008-03-03T08:53:00.002Z

Take me, mould me, use me, fill me

i give my life to the potters hand

call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me

i give my life to the potters hand.

yes i want those things, i do, or... do i?? right now i feel i am where i am meant to be, but is that right?? do i really feel that?? how do i know i feel that.... does god actually let you know if your where he wants you to be or does he do that by letting you know when your not where he wants you?! im so confused at the moment. I do want god to call me, guide me and lead me but am i willing for that to happen? i want it, i do, but then do i really??
where is the line from serching and then waiting??? how do i know if it is what i want or what god wants?? man... why is following god so confusing??!!!!!!

are you an absolutely fantstic christian??

2008-02-29T09:13:00.002Z

"He is an absolutely fantastic christian" - WHAT???????????
I was in a meeting yesterday and a lady made this comment. I was just like WHAT??!!! i couldn't help but focus on this comment for the rest of the meeting and most of the time since!!
What on earth is an 'absolutely fantastic christian'? what makes you an absolutely fantastic christian? who is the judge of such a statement?? is there such a thing as a fantastic christian?? and should there be such a thing?? surely if you know Jesus then your a christian so how can there be different levels of that???

the fried egg!!

2008-02-25T11:16:00.003Z

so i have now lived out of "home" for 6 months or so. It is great, i cant even imagine properly living back, which is cool. I love the freedom of just being able to be and do anything, next year i can do anything, this is my life really starting... i could live anywhere, do anything, travel anywhere - thats huge!!!!
anyway, the point of this blog... Saturday i fried my first egg!!! Now that may sound a bit odd, i can cook, im not scared of the kitchen so i wil quite often chuck loads of stuff in a frying pan and hope it turns out alright, but i have never ever cooked an egg!! i blame this on a few things, but mainly... i buy and cook for one person - myself! and eggs only come in packs of six, so if i was to cook an egg i would have to buy six and six eggs for one person is a bit much!! however i did it and i have fried my first egg!! i really wanted to take a photo to show you all because it was really funny but couldn't find my camera... so you will have to use your imagination.... imagine a perfect fried egg sitting in the middle of the pan.... now move that egg to one side of the pan, stretch the white bit out so it is all round the edge of the pan, now take the yoke and squash it so it is no longer a yoke rather an orange stain on the white bit and lastly colour in about 5mm around the edge - black! - then you should have a rough image of my fried egg!!!! despite the look of my egg it didnt taste that bad - once i had eventually managed to peal / scrape / tear / dig it off the pan! never mind i have four more to try again!!!!

busyness

2008-02-21T15:35:00.002Z

what a mad couple of days, what a brilliant couple of days but what a mad couple of days. Last year when i was still living in essex i thought i was quite a busy person, i would go from one thing to the next and to the next. But living in the essential programme has shown me what it really means to be busy! The last two days have been manick, certain things happened yesterday morning which resulted in an extremly long day with and extremly short break. However i am not complaining, certainly not, i love busyness, i love the energy and adreniline it produces and that is what i thrive on, i have thoroughly enjoyed yesterday and today however now i have stopped i am shattered!!!! I know i need to be careful i am not doing to much and i am, however when you love what your doing all day, afternoon and evening it is extremly hard to not do it! yesterday i think i worked roughly 13 hours with about a 30 min break in total, all of my own doing, i chose to do it but thats because i love it! however, my longest day so far as got to be the youth rally when i was out of the house for 20 hours!!! - but again it was an awesome experience! please dont read this wrong... I AM NOT COMPLAINING i am giving you a very recent update and telling you one of the things i am struggling with at the moment - time management!

ducks are the way forward!!

2008-02-06T15:02:00.000Z

ok so, for quite a while my officer has been banging on about spending alone time in silence with god. So today i finally cracked and thought id give it a go. i wasn't in the best of moods in fact i was probably in quite a bad mood, well not in bad mood just annoyed, well not annoyed but frustrated, extremly frustrated. anyway, so i took a walk down to the river in wetherby, the sun was shinging and the ducks were out, it was beautiful. so i was sitting there for quite a while just sitting there thinking and to be honest just winding myself up and getting more and more frustrated, however, this time to god. Ater a while i started to people watch, you know that great thing that people do at the beach, sit and observe other people. I was reflecting on all the people that walked past and being such a nice afternoon there were a lot of them. I wonder what brought them to the river at this time on this day right at this very moment. i wonder if any of them have had enough? and then it struck me, what am i doing wasting time getting so wound up by something that logically doesnt really affect me and in the grand scheme of things really is not that important or that big of a deal! yeah it is unfair and not right, however, what right do i have to be sitting here so angry when... well, as i say, what right do i have. everyone that walked past probably has things going on in their lives that they would choose not to be there, that may have bought them to the river the same as me so why do i think mine problams are so massive. god did speek to me in the silence and the atmospher, ok ill admit it!!

closer than...

2008-01-31T15:28:00.000Z

You’re closer than the mountains that the nations gaze upon
You’re closer than the air I breathe
Funny how it takes a while for some things to sink in
But now I see you’re alive in me
You’re closer than the mountains that the nations gaze upon
You’re closer than the air I breathe
amen.

future plans - whats the point??

2008-01-31T12:22:00.000Z

recently i have been thinking a lot about the car crash i was in in september, this may be due to the fact i was nearly in another one when i was on the bus coming back from leeds late at night at the weekend, (thankfully the car infront swerved out of road.) I have been thinkin about how crazy the outcome of that crash was. When we were at training the begginging of this month, me and couple of others were chatting about it and we were all just so confussed if thats the right word! we were talking about how on earth we all walked away, the fact that the policeman said to us on the side of the road that he had seen a few crashes like ours and he has never seen anyone survive, yet all 5 of us were alive and out of the hospitals by the next morning. The car was such a state you could hardly recognise it, yet were were all ok! i know that it has made me closer with god simply because it was so blindingly obvious that we were literally in gods hands, god saved us all for a reason. So my question is.... what is that reason? is it for what im doing now, is it for what ill be doing after this or is itwhat ill be doing in 50 years time??!!!!!
Im so secure at the moment that god will reveal whats next for me in time, infact i think he will wait for the last possible moent to fill me in on his plan because he knows what kind of person i am, but however secure i am n tht knowledge i cant help wondering! kirstys blog really spoke to me this morning, that poem about nothig but waiting. in gods time i wil know!

struck in awe

2008-01-31T11:13:00.000Z

so ive not really blogged in a while but here i am!
Since christmas i have started taking my own junior soldiers class. Its the 'older' group of girls that are "too cool for school" if ya know what i mean!... however, i seem to have built up a realy good relationship with them all. The aim of this group was to keep it small, layed back but focused. currently i have three girls in this group (L.I.L.I. - living it, loving it) they are the girls that just sit and the back, wont really join in or if they do they will be constantly disruptive, however come EVERY week on their own desision! I have taken these girls since christmas and it is just awesome! we have had some amazing discusions and prayer times and these girls are responding in a way no-one has ever seen them do before. now please dont read this wrong, im not bigging myself up in this blog at all, im just in awe of gods work, these girls are transforming more and more every week into the person god is so desperatly calling them to be. I know your not ment to have favourites and i dont, i think all these girls are amazing, but one girl has really been layed on my heart. She is seriously like a mini me, things she does and things she says is almost identicle to me at her age. she seems to have taken a lik-in to me which is really cool because her background and stuff really isnt good and so for her to find someone who she can rely on and trust and is a good influence all at the same time is amazing and really is gods hand on her life. As you can imagine this girl really isnt the best behavioured person at school, she is on report for loads of different things and upto very recently wouldnt go a week without spending time in the isolation room (not the freezer!) However, last sunday she pulled me to one side and shoved a green piece of screewed up card in my hand, i unfolded it and it was her report card from the friday, all 6 lessons were filled in with words like; really well done, listened perfectly, good attitude, very impressed, all work completed, i looked up at her and she had this fat grin on her face and she said 'i was good all day because i was thinking about about you said on wednesday in junior soldiers' (the topic was sin!)... i have absolutly no idea what i said on wednesday night and i fully believe that it was god, whatever it was this girl took in and thought about and acted on it, this girl who normally its good if she gets one good message on her report card got 6 good messages because god had really spoken into her heart... WOW!!!
God is really revealing himself in motion stopping ways and i think i am being able to except that he is doing some of those through me! am i moving on - yes i thin i am!

in the silence...

2008-01-22T10:45:00.000Z

"Be silent before the lord, all humanity, for he is spinning into action from his holy dwelling"

The thing is, i hate silence, when its quiet i get this overwhelming feeling to make some noise, then i cant concentrate on the reason i am being quiet because i have this massive thing telling me, shouting, screaming at me to make some noise!

being quiet, can actually be a very hard thing to do. I know it works for some people, and perhaps im wrong for finding it hard but i just dont get it. A suggestion was made that it would be a good idea to take mine and my two team mates and swipe our timetables clear for this week. We would have absolutely nothing planned and would be expected to do nothing. Now if anyone is similar to me, you will be freaking out just at the thought of such a catastrophe. A whole week of nothing, absolutely nothing, being silent, reflecting and just... nothing!!

At the start of this blog i put a bible verse (i cant remember where from i lost the web page!) and as i 'biblegatewayed' silence loads of verses came up from all over the bible, this obviously says to me the we are expected to spend time silent in the presence of god, but how? How can i make myself remain silent and focus on god and block out the loud noise making me be noisy all at the same time?? Were we a ll intended for quietness?? what about stillness?? again this is something i very extremely hard, i hate being still, god made us bodies to move so why waste time by being still??

Every good blog has some questions so here they are...
did god actually intend for us all to enjoy silence?
is silence in gods presence necessary for spiritual growth?
is stillness and silence the same thing??

is there risk in faith?

2008-01-08T15:51:00.000Z

2nd day back and already Christmas seems like a distant memory. straight after new year i was bundled off to training. this time only 4 days but it was still jam packed. i imagine my next few blogs will be based on things that were brought up at training. so the first one. Is there risk in faith?

if the definition of faith is believe or trust in someone or something. for me this says that there is no room for risk as risk is defined as chance for something, and if there is chance then your not fully believing it will work or happen. However hope is all about feeling, the feeling that what is wanted can be had so if there is risk in faith does it not then stop being faith and become hope? is faith the ultimate hope? at training someone defined faith as something that secures hope. or does the risk slip in, in the transfer of hope becoming faith?

Eugene Peterson quotes "Doubt is not a sin, it is an essential element in faith" - really?? i dont believe that, or do i?? i can understand that if you overcome the doubt each time then it has the ability to strengthen your faith but i dont think i agree!!!

Hebrews 11:1 "faith means being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it"so if there is risk in hope surely having faith in something gets rid of that risk and doubt! - now thats the kind of quote ill believe in!!

so is there risk in faith? or if there is risk its not faith its hope?!

christmas

2007-12-31T09:53:00.001Z

it's so hard to say but i gotta do whats best for me,
you'll be ok,
iv'e got to move on and be who i am,
i just dont belong here, i hope you understand,
....
i gota go me own way.

dont wana leave it all behind,
but i get my hopes up and watch them fall every time,
another corner turns to grey,
and its just to hard to watch it all,
slowly fade away,
im leaving today cus i gotta do whats best for me,
youll be ok

ive gota move on and be who i am,
i just dont belong here, i hope you understand,
...
i gota go my own way.

Gabrielle from high school musical somes up what was going on for me over christmas.

the mighty LOST-A-THON!!

2007-12-28T13:20:00.000Z

23rd december... 23 epesodes... 2 girls... 1 flat... ---> 24th December... no sleep... lots of coffee... 1 laptop... all 23 episodes watched!!!!!!!
yes, sunday night me and a very good friend of mine set about watching the third series of lost. our aim was to watch the whole series before i go back and so it worked out we had the series to watch in less than 24 hours! everyone kept saying we wouldn't do it, its impossible, however at 5.15 christmas eve the last episode finished, we had done it!
we pretty much watched them back to back, we had the odd 2 minute toilet break or coffee refill break but between 10 o'clock sunday night and 9.30 monday morning we had had no proper break! (we did then have a two hour break!)
so lets look at this logically!!...
aim: to watch the whole third series of lost - completed
outcome: 17hrs 15minutes of lost watched in 20hours!!!!
negatives: no sleep - next few days was wrecked!, headaches, NEED to watch series 4!
positives: we did it!, we know what happened!
was it worth it: OF COURSE... what kind of question is that??!!!!!!

is sunday church as important as weekday church??

2007-12-26T16:47:00.000Z

Is a sunday meeting important? what is the purpose of it? to re-energise christians? so why do we insist on inviting new people to sunday church, surely it would be more beneficial for them to attend other versions of church?? if the church is offering prayer nights and cell groups and bible studies then why do we insist on getting people in on a sunday morning? if sunday mornings are for people that already know christ, so there is an expectation of background knowledge and not very rely a sermon about coming to know christ. then why is it necessary to bring people along that dont know christ??
just a thought!!

christmas fever!!

2007-12-21T09:58:00.000Z

weyhay its nearly Christmas!! i am so excited this year!! i must admit to normally being a bit of a scrooge but this year its completely different!! i think it might be because i have already had one Christmas day with my house, done lots of present wrapping for the hampers we give away, and been listening to Christmas music for weeks and have done 7 Christmas assemblies!! but its great!!!! while cutting out holly leaves yesterday with a good friend of mine, she made the statement "its funny working for a church at Christmas" and its true, all the random things you get yourself into that are normal in the setting your in but for a passerby would just be crazy!!! i had such a good time yesterday collecting in the market place in wetherby and really enjoyed listening to the brass band (and i did collect the most!!! even though its not a competition... i still won ;-) ). And tomorrow i head off back to "chav land" as it is called (!) and see a few of my wonderful friends and get to watch the third series of lost (wooohooo). christmas is such a joyous time for me this year... but why?? hmmm!!! however much i am looking forward to my christmas i am working with and spend lots of time with loads of kids and people that aren't. As we were wrapping and unwrapping and wrapping some more up the hampers last night i was thinking about how the presents i was wrapping might be the best or only present that child receives this year and the kids we were wrapping them for are kids that i come into contact with on a regular basis that are always happy and caring and wonderful, its just crazy to think that their christmas is going to be nothing compared to what the world expects!!
This week the wetherby essential team have lead the morning assemblies for years 7, 8, 9, 10. It has been so much fun, its the second lot of assemblies we have done since being here and it was just so much fun. This morning i managed to involve the teachers and get them on stage as well (they loved it!) the kids were going crazy, we got them really hyped this morning but managed to calm them again for the "series point"!!! We have been so lucky with how our team has been sorted becaus we all have our gifts and they are all different, so the assemblies for example, i was the illustrate or the hyper-uper, lex was the "preacher" and Susanne was the finishing off-er / wrapping it all together person, We were all working inside our gifts and it worked... really well in fact!!!
so four days to go...
today - cleaning buildings and home, packing, sorting out buildings
tomorrow - packing, catching train, resting
sunday - romford church! and the start of the lost-a-thon
sunday night - lost-a-thon
monday - lost-a-thon
monday night - good ol' yuf fellowship caroling
tuesday - christmas day
wednesday - shopping
thursday - coming back home and having a break!!!!

drama drama drama

2007-12-18T10:54:00.001Z

What do all these things have in common?? they are all mouses, they are all well known and THEY ARE ALL IN OUR HOUSE!!!! on two seperate ocasions wetherby essentials (and beth!) have burst into rooms with glass bottles and a foam baseball bat thinking they were being burggled to find... no-one, but this morning, the aussie casually walked into the kitchen to grab some breakfast to find... wait for it.... droppings, a sponge chewed to pieces and rustling in the cuboard!!!

the knock on my bedroom door arrived not much past 6.40 with a statement sounding much like "sarah... i... we.... downstaires.... I THINK WE HAVE A MOUSE" Little aussie was in quite a big hysterical state so i did my best at 6:40 in the morning and casually replied "ok ill be down in a bit" i came down stairs to find the evidence that yes we do have a mouse. we had a brief house meeting and agreed if we leave the door firmly shut with a cloth blocking the gap underneth the door, we will buy some traps this afternoon and sort it all out when we get home.

the next drama came with this statement "errr guys... ive dropped my chocolate sprinkles all over the kitchen floor" our house then got very loud as the dutchman himself set about running around the house trying to find the hoover or a brush (neither of which he new where they were kept as to him - cleaning... whats that??!!). what he failed to mention was that he had dropped them all over the cuboard we thought the mouse was hidding in... LEX!!!! we cleared up the choclate sprinkles to the best of our ability giving we were already 5mins late, shut the door, blocked the door and were out the house!

what will we find when we return????

da armour of god init!

2007-12-18T09:46:00.000Z

yip yip yip
yo yo yo
gettin down wiv it
getting down wiv da flow
listen to me n you'l do alright
live each day by his own might
he says to wear his helmet that give you salvation
it protects your head and helps you stand in front da nation
da belt of truth thats attached to ya middle
supporting the vest that protects your chest
righteous living they say it provides
it protects the front but also behind
the shoes of peace is what ends the list
better than lacoste or even k-swiss
i forgot to mention the shield and the sword
now im nearly finished can see ya gettin bored
the shield of faith will never let ya down
and the sword of the spirit will be the last lyric.
brap!

giftings and comfort zones!

2007-12-13T09:30:00.000Z

for those of you thinking wow this is like the third time shes blogged in a week has she got no work to be doing... i actually have loads of work to do which is causing me to procrastinate... stupid internet!!
lots of things have happened over the past couple of days that i feel would make awesome blogs for example someone promising you toast and a coffee and when you go in to collect it the timer on the toaster is ticking away, the bread is down but the plug isnt switched on! or knocking on peoples doors and trying to ask them questions about their community and having to remember the answers because the cold has frozen your hands numb! or ice skating on an outside rink in the dark with loads of awesome youth. But my blog todays gota be 'giftings and comfort zones!'

While i am here and living this "extreeme life" im really wanting to get out of my comfort zone, push boundaries and soar in my giftings, but i think i have a problem!! to push my boundaries and get out of my comfort zone as much as what i crave for meens not soaring in my giftings! my giftings are comfortable... im good at them thats why they are gifts. im not saying they cant improve because they obviously can but for me to be stretched dramatically i need to be doing things that im not good at, that im not used to. Now yea it is ok me saying this but however much i do so badely want to be stretched beyond limits i also what to do the things i love, but why do i love them - because im good at them and can do them?? For example for four fridays now i have organised / planed / run friday night youth events (bbq&messy games, sports night, air hockey tournament and this week milkshake making and play station!) i have so loved planning them and organising them and all that is involved, however i dont feel it has stretched me, i can quite happily and easily do that, ive loved doing it but i havent found it hard so i wouldn't want to not do it but by doing its not forfilling part of what im here for!! however on the other side of this, if i start doing things im not good at or not particully passionate for will they stretch me anyway? so say, just for example, if i was to preech one sunday - it is not my gifting, im not partically passionate about doing but i think it will stretch me to the ultimate limit, however will it if im not called / gifted or passionate about it!!
hmmm!!

i want to play!!!

2007-12-11T17:58:00.000Z

since being here i have organised and run a good couple of events, including a childrens sports party, an air hockey tournamet and messy messy games night. The majority of these events i have organised because i have felt they are suitable and i would really enjoy them myself. However what i am starting to discover is when you run an event you dont realistically get to join in!... i organised and led a whole youth sports night and didnt play any sport!! however i still had a really good fun night.
Im really trying to seek out my gifting while im here and already ive come to the conclusion that i am an event person. bit of a weird statement but i feel i am much better at running one off events than a week in week out club. this is good, i love the rush and adrenaline that an event gives you, you can throw 210% into an event that isn't realistic of a week in week out activity... i like that!
A lot of the feedback i have been getting from the events and activities i am leading and organising is about how much energy i give. I personally hadnt ever really noticed it before but now it has been mentioned quite a few times i can see it quite clearly... and i am quite intrigued!! on a wednesday i am involved in three activities one after the other gradually increasing in age, however shattered i am on a wednesday afternoon i always seem to give loads of energy... but where does it all come from? i have had so much lack of sleep since being here my body is feeling proper drained yet i can still run around and hype the kids for like 5 hours... how im not sure but im sure its a gift!!!!

sinterklaas

2007-12-11T17:10:00.000Z

so last Wednesday saw the coming of st Nicolas called sinterklaas (apparently in dutchland this is a big thing!!)
living with a dutchman we made the most out of this day! we arrived home late wednsday night to find a big parcel addressed to the dutchman himself. He gathered us all in the front room and set about ripping the box apart (literally!) The day, quite like Christmas, is full of traditions, all of which Lex tried his hardest to keep and enforce upon us innocent English (and aussie) girls!! these included singing a song when taking a present out of the box and singing a different song while unwrapping the present, sweets (or candy hahahahahaha!) gets launched into the room after the door gets hammered in (black Pete who is sinterklaas' side kick / servant! thumps on the door and throws the sweets!) and for the rest of the night you eat the candy off the floor!!! St Nicolas was kind enough to get everyone in our house a present or two... dutch clogs as slippers... awesome. Happy times. I can now proudly say i am a cultured lass!!!

stupid book stupid report!!!

2007-12-05T14:51:00.000Z

What was one of the things i have always tried to get out of and every time succeeded?? answer: reading books! and what is the one thing i have to do this year?? answer: read books, but not only read them i have to write about them as well!!!! Why did i not read what this year had in store before i signed up to it??!!!!!! Anyway, i have been sitting for just over an hour now and have so not been inspired. I have put off doing it and reading it for so long i now have 1 1/2 days left before its due in, 30 minutes left today so really only tomorrow evening!!!! anyway, while i have been sitting in the empty room I've been thinking and have come to the conclusion that BOOKS ARE STUPID! yes i know powerful statement, ALL BOOKS ARE STUPID!!! and even more WRITING ABOUT A BOOK IS EVEN STUPIDER!! why or how can writing about a book be of any use to you at all?? the book was written for a purpose, ok, so what is the point of writing about it, the book is there!!!!! i have had this battle all my life, what is the point! i just simply don't get it!! why waste hours reading 377 pages when there is so much other stuff you could be doing?? why read a theology book and not the bible?? if i counted up how long it would take me to read this book i probably could read whole books of the bible!!!! WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!

the wizard that was!!

2007-11-30T09:29:00.000Z

25 days till christmas day, 25, thats it, its crazy!! We have done assemblies this week on advent, its mad!!

anyway, i wanted to blog today to mark the fact that last night i saw my first ever village play! it was awesome!!! A family from our church took me along ( ive been adopted into their family, their awsome people!), all i knew before hand was that we were going to see a pantomime. now me being the inocent uneducated 18 year old i am have only experienced a pantomime at the queens theatre and therefore just expected we were going to the theatre, with a massive stage, cushioned seats, tearred seating, icecreams at the interful and the characters are really characters, but what i got was a little church hall with about 50 school chairs set out, the actors using the same toilets as the audience (was quite funny i was in the que inbetween cinderella and alice from the wizzard of oz!!) and no ice creams in sight. However, it was one of the funniest pantos i have ever seen! i have become quite good friends with one of the daughters of my adopted family and so we sat and had an awesome time! it reminded me very much of

the thing is...

2007-11-22T10:49:00.000Z

i know i know its been a while! time for another update i think!

Since i have been here i have experienced and seen god in so many new and different ways. It's be flippin awesome, it really has. loads of people that surround me everyday do truly get the whole personal relationship thing and do really walk with Jesus next to them everyday. It's awesome! Anyway, since i have been here i have come to expect god to show up and to talk to me personally everyday day. and i guess thats great, its a good habit to get into. or is it?

anyway back on track... in the word for today, yesterday, was this bible verse "Why do you call me lord... and do not do what i say" and i duno what it is but that bible verse really has stuck in my head. I guess it kinda shows some of gods frustrations with us . That we can be so hypocritical by calling ourselves children of god however not actually following his direction. All he wants for us is the best and so why on earth do we question that and think that we know best. I have questioned gods direction for me countless times recently by saying "i just cant see how it will work out for the best" but thats it, i cant but god can and its that knowledge that we have to trust in. How can we stand up and say "yea im a christian, Jesus is my saviour, i belong to the salvation army bla bla bla" but then choose not to do what god says. Now this is quite a simple kind of thought process but i am finding it so difficult to live it out. I know that god knows best. i know that god can see further into my life than i can but if i feel god is leading me into a situation that i can see very little positiveness from am i justified to question what god is saying? but then i also know that there is no justification of deliberately disobeying god.

the point to this blog? im not sure really, but this is kind of whats going on for me at the moment!

What is that to you?!

2007-10-30T16:21:00.000Z

Just a funny note to start with that has had me laughing all day... i was called 'intelligent'!!!! haha hehe haha hehe haha hehe!!!!

anyway, John 21 has been playing on my mind for quite a few days now and so here it is! 'What is that too you?'. For those of you who don't know that chapter very well i will give you a quick 'low-down' from verse 15 onwards. It is the third time Jesus shows himself to the disciples after rising from the dead, he gets Simon peter and asks him if he loves him, peter obviously says yes, three times Jesus asks peter if he loves him and three times peter says yes. Jesus then says "follow me". Peter turns and See's another follower standing there, the follower peter is convinced Jesus really loves, peter asks Jesus "well what about him" Jesus simply replies "... hat is that to you? - follow me"

There are loads of things that can be talked about and discussed and probably argued, and to be honest that is what i have been doing the past couple of days (we had a bible study and a sermon on it and i have done loads of reflection myself!) but i want to pick up on only a few things.

point one - Peters statement about "well what about him" can be taken two ways... either he is feeling "guilty" about having this amazing time with Jesus and another follower not, or he is feeling envious that he doesn't get this time to be alone with Jesus. Lets run with the second one. Here is peter and Jesus, they have just had the most amazing time together, peter has just repeatedly told Jesus he loves him, Jesus has asked him to feed his lambs, to take care of his sheep and to most importantly "follow him", peter must have such a warm bubbly feeling inside of him... yet he turns his head, he breaks the intimacy of the conversation and lets sin creep in... "what about him", Why is he here? why don't you tell him to go away? why can't this just be for me? all these questions are probably bouncing around peters head, all this sin has attacked him and why? because he turned his head? because he took his focus of Jesus and placed it onto man? maybe??

Point two - Jesus simply replies "what is that to you?- you follow me" in other words, why are you concerned with him when i am right here, i just died and now i am standing in front of you - that's crazy so why are bothered about someone who is behind us, look at me, focus on me, "what is that to you", i am right here!

And that is the line that i cant get out of my head. "What is that to you, you follow me" don't worry about him, or her, or them, about what they are getting away with, about what they are saying to you or about you... look at me, follow me, keep your eyes focused on me!

so a few questions!

Is that too self centred? i know you need to, i know it is a must and i can see that, i can, but...
what an example of the focus we need to have on Jesus, that as soon as he turned his head jealously slipped in, he started to sin. Right in front of Jesus, peter made the choice to sin, Jesus was there, he wasn't in the sin but was with peter, it was peters choice to turn away, while looking into the eyes of Jesus he chose to sin.
if it was so easy for peter to do and Jesus was standing right there with him what hope have we got? Jesus showed himself to peter in person in real life and peter still chose to sin, do we have any chance at all?
does that make our faith stronger?

Challenge... What is that to you, you follow me!

a bible funeral???

2007-10-29T15:43:00.000Z

OK so i have about 20 mins of spare time today and this is it, i took this opportunity (or oppotuni'y as apparently i say it!!!) to blog as i felt 'guilty', yes guilty(!) that most of my blog list friends have updated their blog and i hadnt really!

so, my bible died yesterday!! i was so sad... it has got really 'weared and teared' since ive been here taking it everywhere and yesterday we walked to church in the pouring rain and i think the rain finished it off!! now my options are:

buy a new bible
duck tape the current bible

I dont really want to take the first option as they arent that cheap, i like the bible i currently have, i know my bible and a new bible would just be all weird!... however if i take the second option of duck taping the dead bible it would look a bit funny and so it would change the bible anyway and i have used it so much since being on essential i have page markers in just the right place, underlining on just the right sentences, notes on the back.

Another problem... if i was to take option 1 of buying a new bible would it be right in going through and highlighting all the things that are highlighted in my current bible?? should i transfer everything over and just in a way pretend that that new bible has always been my bible??? or is it time i start a fresh this year??... you know that bible verse that has been preached at me so many times already "see i am doing a new thing in you, forget the former things..."!!???

i need someone to make a quick decision... new bible or duck tape????

we are collecting your glass... not glarss, glass!!!

2007-10-23T17:41:00.000+01:00

What an awesome morning i have had today. First thing today i went prayer walking around the two estates surrounding our school, new experience for me but it defiantly wont be a one off.

Anyway, too the point of this blog. How much of an open house am i?! let me explain, while leaflet dropping later on this morning, i soon realised how closed off a lot of house in wetherby are. Every single house i went too had its own fencing and gate, EVERY HOUSE! some houses had two gates, some houses even had three gates you had to undo and walk through before you can even reach the front door!, some houses had huge bolt locks on the gates, one house had its gate so carefully hidden i dont think they ever come out!, another house had a huge sign stating there was a fierce free roaming dog... enter at own risk (haha im pretty sure they dont even have a dog!) This really got me thinking about the community of the estate we were walking around. Is there even a community in there, they are so blocked off and guarded from each other physically is that the same mentally??? this really got me thinking about myself and how many gates do people have to walk through to reach 'my house'... and i dont mean that literally, but how many barriers do i put up to stop people getting to "the real me", is that a weakness?? and i know this may seem like a really stupid thing to be blogging about but as i was walking up to each house it really made me laugh how many hoops you have to jump through just to post a leaflet! Why dont we let people see "the real thing" straight away? everyone puts up defences and barriers but why some more than others? and why do we put them up even though we know its a good thing for people to know who you really are??!!

home-made playdough!!

2007-10-21T23:05:00.000+01:00

well there is a proper blog in process as i type but its taking longer than antisipated so here is a quick one to keep you amused!!!!

Today i made play-dough! haha, that just sounds so funny!! i actually did make play-dough from scratch!! Now lots of people said to me before i came away that essential was going to give me so many new experiences and it really has and today i encounted another one! here are some pictures of me and susanne trying the recipe we recieved through a text message!

but... it turned out just right!

game of the month

2007-10-15T15:51:00.000+01:00

Disclaimer: i would really like to put the statement out there that this is nothing about my future. i have no plans and no ideas about whats happening for me after essential so please don't read into this... lots of people seem too!!

OK so the game of the month... "FIND IT, PREACH IT!!"
instructions: one person gives you an object and you have 30secs to put it into a sermon.
game length: depends on the number of objects in the room and the length of sermons... so far 2hrs 20mins to beat!
procrastination level: high
fun level: average / high
when playing with a Dutchman: times each of these by 10!!!

Task: This game is amazing... the hardest object we have discovered so far is "a button on the TV"... what the flippin' heck! suggestions welcomed, remember only 30secs thinking time!!

the first biggie!!

2007-10-05T14:14:00.000+01:00

So i feel i need to blog. don't know if its appropriate. don't know if i should but i am going to.
Last night i made the hardest desicion of my essential journey so far. The main event has been in my diary for how ever long it has been planned for. i thought it was a brilliant idea and had huge respect for the organisers. i then however, signed up for essential. it didnt ever occur to me that the main event would be one of the many things i would have to sacrifice. However, it is. I made the decision last night i would not go. And am still struggling to hold myself to that desicion. Every part of me wants to jump on a train and come down and come. I was looking forward so much to seeing all you fabulous people, and in ollies case giving him his birthday card! but i know deep down it really isn't the right thing to do. I was told that all the people "in charge" of me said i couldn't go, but at the end of the day it was my choice. i spent so long yesterday and last night thinking and praying about what the right thing to do was and even longer praying that god would change his mind! Time to be an adult i kept thinking. time to put my teams needs first. Time to start taking this year seriously. so i am. practising sacrificial living. i want with every part of me to come back to romford so that is exactly what i am not going to do! I will not be at the main event.

annual appeal and 24 cans of fosters!

2007-09-30T15:16:00.000+01:00

So, this was me, last Thursday doing good ol' annual appeal collecting. There i was standing in the doorway of morrisons shopping centre, in my casual army uniform, wearing my salvation army "sash"(!) and wondering why after about an hour and half i had had only about 3 people come up to me / my box! Could it be because i was in 'casual' uniform? could it be i had my collar up? could it be i was looking "dodgy"? or was it the fact i was standing in front of a big sign advertising fosters beer????

i will admit i normally quite enjoy army collecting but thursday was rubbish! i do normally go in the normal uniform and the only reason i didnt was because i was driving and cant drive in my army shoes, didnt think this would make much of a difference, and perhaps it didnt. i do actually think the fosters advertisement had a big impact! i didnt realise until about couple of hours in... you can imagine it now "Salvation army girl encouraging alcoholism in local supermarket"!!!!

back too school!

2007-09-24T17:28:00.000+01:00

I have this really weird feeling in me at the moment, it is a feeling i have had before but when i had it last time i didnt really notice it, however, since the feeling has come back i notice it and dont like it. its the feeling of getting home after a day of school. yes thats it, i have spent a whole day at school!

so one day down 364 days to go.... BRING IT ON is all i can say.

At lunch time today i helped / observed / joined in in the lunchtime cafe 'sanctuary'. this is organised and run by the salvation army, us! it was great. there was such a buzz about the place, i loved it. nothing else to say... was a good idea / vision and i think it is doing really good for the school and church.

I have my first discipleship meeting tomorrow... hmmm.... not really sure what my thought are on this, i think this is going to be the thing i am going to struggle with the most!!!.... hmmmm!!!

And just an update, my back, neck and chest are much better now, i had a bit of pain yesterday but have had none today, this is good! thank you all so much for your prayers.

Anyway, lots of stuff happening for me, and lots of stuff happening for all of you guys too... 24/2 sounds cool, 2 new little babies, moving hall, youth away weekend, main event (i am sooo trying to get myself there!!!).... exciting days!!! dont forget to keep me posted!!!!

quiz the theology genius's!!

2007-09-19T22:22:00.000+01:00

first an apology for the rubbish last post. 2nd another apology for the mess of what this post is going to be! im so confused and have come straight up here to blog my thought process!!!

so, tonight we had "quiz the genius" (i just added that name but think its cool!) where three people that supposedly know a lot of theology sat at the front of the room and we got to quiz them. i was heaven and hell all at the same time!!!

anyway the point i want to try and pull apart and sort out in my head is; the whole thing about gods presence and his absence... is god ALWAYS present?? if so then is he with us and in us when we sin?? can he be present but absent at the same time?? what does being absent even mean??

One of the "knowledgeable guys" tonight said something along the lines of 'god can't be in sin, for example a sinful action is not of god, god is not in that action, yet god is still present because he never leaves us.' how is that so?? that just doesn't make any sense... he is with us because the bible says he never leaves us yet when we sin he is absent but still present. something cant be both present and absent, or can it because its god... god created presence so he can if he wants??!!! an analogy he gave was, if he shot me and i died, god was not fully present in him when he shot me because that is evil and god cant be in evil because he is 100% pure, so i asked is it like god is with us all the time yet turns his back or shuts his eyes when we sin, but again he disagreed, and if what i said was true how would he know what we are doing, but then yet again, he is god! i am so confused and would like to say at this point i really am not trying to prove a point i am just throwing loads of ideas and thoughts around trying to discover some truth and to build my own opinion, i know i am probably contradicting myself but im trying to look at it from different angles!! after the "drilling" was over and the man coincidentally had to go home as soon as he realised he wasnt going to get away with this conversation, me and a few others carried it on. the point was put to me of 'can god really not be around evil' which opened up a whole other pot of worms, he supposedly died on the cross for our sins which means he was in presence of evil and sin because he died and took them away, so can he be fully in the presence of them??? if the answer to that is yes, then is it us that chooses to ignore gods influence, put it under an old Rusty bucket while we sin and the guilt we feel afterwards is that us lifting up that bucket and letting god influence us again?? i know for some people thats going to make no sense but my mind works in pictures (!) god is still there we are just choosing not to listen to him???
i think it depends what we understand by the term absence. The guy tonight was saying how its not about 'being here and not being here".... SO WHAT IS IT THEN??!!! dictionary.com states "absence is a state of being away or not being present" so this clearly says you can be both absent and present. but if you are looking at absence in a different way... i was talking to him a bit afterwards and he was telling me i was looking at it in the wrong way, i was trying to put it into vocabulary yet god cant be put into vocabulary, god is god, there simply are not enough words, and maybe that is true maybe i will just never get this but i am not willing to let this go just yet! im trying to control this by asking myself will it actually make a difference to my christian life or my christian journey if i work this out in my head, hoping the answer will be no so i can justify leaving it alone for a while but it think it will affect my christian journey, if god can be in us while we sin, he is a different god to the one i have known and... hmm could it be that he is with us, just say like standing next to us, so when we sin, for example say the speaker did shoot me would god be standing in front of the gun, so he is present but absent, he is present in the situation but absent because he... OH IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!

someone please help!!! can god be in us while we sin???
and would like to state again, i really dont know what i think as an answer to this, i didn't blog to try and prove a point and im not sure what side i agree with the most because to be honest i am just so confused i need some other peoples opinions!!!

battery dieing so short!!

2007-09-18T22:51:00.000+01:00

oh you guys!!

ok so i start this blog at 10.57... being this tired i should be in bed... however... being this tied forced me into drinking five and half coffees today which means i aint getting any sleep tonight!!!
i currently have a large tub of egg fried rice sitting next to me that i currently just have to stare at, someone bought it for me from the Chinese round the corner (cus dinner was yuk!) and i am in the computer room and forgot to bring a fork with me... its really testing my self discipline!!

ok so today has been a big day for my brain... the training has been really deep stuff so i need to try and process it a bit more in my head before i blurt it all out on here, so this blog is on control!

I have no problem with control, no issue with it at all.... as long as im the one in control! ha those of you that know me well will know that i have to be in control and feel lost and really uneasy if im not. i discovered last night that i get this from my mother! we had the night off last night so i decided to be nice and go and visit the old lady as she was a bit concerned i was more injured than i was letting on!!! mum was driving me back to the college and we were following her sat nav, this was going fine while it was taking us the way mum knew... however when it told us to take the second exit at a roundabout and mum normally takes the 1st we soon hit the control problem!! mum proper freaked because she then was not in control... we had to rely on the sat nav. this got me thinking (and laughing but thats not the point!)

hmm... control... is it something we learn?? we receive?? we inherit?? can our need to be in control change?? hmm!!!

thats crazy!!

2007-09-16T19:46:00.000+01:00

ok so what a crazy couple of days! i am now back safe in london (well as safe as anyone can be in denmark hill!) after the events of traveling up on the M1 me and some 4 others decided to take the train to come back again! however, what we thought was the right decision soon turned out to be another interesting journey... the train we were booked onto got cancelled and so we had no reserved seats on the train we ended up getting on, this meant me and another guy had to stand for over an hour of the journey (with a sore neck its not nice!). anyway we were traveling along some nice countryside when a voice came over the tanoid saying that the train ahead of us had just run over a cow so our train will be going at a very slow speed! hmmm!!!

anyway, so enough with the ridiculousness of my life! this blog is basically just a recognition of gods amazing grace and his complete awesomeness!!! thursday night we had a prayer meeting up in leeds. after the events of wednesday no one was really up for it and everyone just wanted to chill out back at the hotel and have some space, however, the prayer meeting was awesome. the first thing we did in it was sung worship and the very first song we sang was amazing grace... the first two lines are "amazing grace how sweat the sound, to save a wretch like me" and that is what he had done, on wednesday night, he was in full control, he chose to save all five of us that were in the car, he chose to save a wretch like me. i deserve nothing, i don't deserve his love, i have not earned it and in certain ways i have done everything i can to make him not want to love me, but on wednesday night he made the choice to save me, he's not finished with me yet, he loves me so much he protects me in such a way that i can walk away from an accident like that. god was in full control on wednesday night, his hands were surrounding us, it was so obvious, so many things could have happened that miraculously didnt, i just wana thank god for being such an awesome and obvious god.

so that is my "blog for now" (to try and not sink to low on kirsty's list!) i will blog about some proper stuff soon... but just so you all know... i am fine, not seriously hurt.. am in a little bit of pain around my neck but nothing i cant handle!

im in prison!!!

2007-09-08T19:25:00.000+01:00

a few things to start!!...

who is the second anonymous message from on my previous post???
i am blogging from the salvation army training centre... this is weird!!!
the reason for no blogging... i got here on monday morning and have only just realised there is Internet access... my fault... not trying to justify it just explaining the background to the problem!!!!!

so, here i am sitting in the prison... errr i mean very open wonderful pretty army college. what is really hilarious though is that we have been advised not to go outside of the gates after 11 o'clock or if we do tell people we are going and go in a big group because Denmark hill is soo bad... errr hello i live in romford!!!! hehe!

what have i been upto i hear you all cry! ill first mention my first sunday away!! sunday was really weird for me. all the days seem to have rolled into one since i moved out of 'home' but sunday really sticks out for me. i was just soooo aware of all my lovely friends and all the people that have such a major influence on my life were all meeting together and worshiping god together and i was somewhere else.. and it wasn't just that, because i mean ive had a sunday away from romford before but like that is my life now for at least the next year! anyway... it was soon made better by the lovely people from wetherby, my essential team are the best! so yea, we walked down to the school where we had been a number of times already, into the school hall to help set up. this was fun! bla bla bla.. the meeting started and it was incredible... so many times in the meeting i just stood back and watched... these people are really worshiping god. their not caught up in tradition, their not worried about an extra chair in a row, they dont stress if they a musician plays a wrong note... they are there to worship and that is so cool. during the meeting we us essentials gave a 2min talk about us!... i, being the person i am planned nothing because everytime i thought about who i was and how to portray myself to the group of people i got caught up in the whole.... well who am i issue, so this is what i tried to say... that throughout this year that is one of the questions i want to seek the answer to... who is the real me, what is me??? shortly after this we stood separate around the room and people from the congregation surrounded us and prayed with / for / to us - this was incredible, such an amazing experience, some of the things people were saying where so spot on and most of these people i hadnt even said hello to!! so yea we then went 'home' for lunch and in the evening we went back to the school for a prayer meeting - another amazing experience which im not going to go deeper into but it was flipping awesome.... challenging but awesome!!!

so that quickly brings us to monday (traveling on three trains one of which is a tube from leeds to london with an over excited dutch guy was an experience i will never ever forget!!!) and arriving at the William Boothe college. we are here for 3 weeks of training. so far ive got mixed opinions!!! we have had people in to speak to us each day, so far, (not good with names or spellings!!) Lyndel bywater, russ rook, Adrien gossling and Alister jones. it has been good dont get me wrong but i just feel i need something really deep and thought provoking... i need some meat (and thats not just mental meat.... the food here is... err... well... yea... if anyone fancies sending me a some proper food in the post.... very much welcome!!) like one thing we are stuck in a class room most of the time and you know what im like!!! but yea its good, its tough cus your with people all the time like 24-7 and if you want your own space you have to go out of the college pretty much but its a challenge so 'bring it on'!!

next week we are all traveling to leeds to do part of the training and funnily enough going to be worshiping at wetherby on the sunday - woohoo!... its so strange like me and the rest of my team have all said that we feel like we miss wetherby by being here but they are truly awesome!

really missing all you guys, hope the graeme kendrick gig goes off ok tomorrow. hope everyone is ok and stay in contact... my Internet access is going to keep being restricted and next week in leeds i will have none but im sure most of you have my mobile number so a text is good!!!

i will try and keep my blog updated as much as i can i promise.

the first wetherby blog!

2007-08-28T20:15:00.000+01:00

hey im here! am currently stealing someone else's internet signal so not sure how much i will be able to update at the moment!!

everyone is so nice! the house is lovely! the passion and mission opptunity is incredible! i just want to get stuck in!! first thing in the morning we have a session of spirtual gifts, im quite excited about it!

the famous question... have i unpacked... haha dont be silly!

luv ya all... dont 4get me!!

the night my eyes were opended!!

2007-08-26T15:35:00.000+01:00

Last night two of my friends had their drinks drugged. they both spent the night in hospital. One was wired up to a heart monitor for most of the night. they had no control over their bodies and had no idea what they were doing. there are people in this world that think it is acceptable to do that to 18 year old girls.
Before last night i couldn't see the what other people could see about the clubbing environment but boy did last night open my eyes. Im not saying all clubbers are evil, because their not, me and my friends were out having a good time, a farewell night out, but if we hadnt of gone clubbing and stayed in that last night wouldn't have ended up how it did. i was driving through romford once id left the hospital and i was just so aware of what i state the town was in that my church is in, that i used to live in, that i go out in. i was driving down a road and there were groups of people everywhere just causing trouble, people crossing the road and falling over in the middle of it because they were too drunk to know what they were doing.
Last night i had to put one of my good friends in the recovery position, keep checking she was breathing, watch one of my friends heart beat going up and down on a machine, watch two of my friends loose complete control of their bodies on a street in the middle of romford just because two men felt like it.
so, my previous blog about there being nothing wrong with clubbing i would like to change. clubbers aren't evil, however the clubbing environment is swimming with evil and sin. romford needs to be saved. romford town needs god. god needs to be bought to the people that go clubbing in romford week in and week out with the plan to harm other people, with the aim of doing something evil. something needs to be done. i believe it is, i believe sooo many people in our church alone are soo fired up to change this town that with the other churches real change can be bought about. god doesn't want this. god is very much alive in this world and his fingerprints are everywhere, but on a thursday, friday, and Saturday night in particular it looks like the devil is in control, and that is wrong. romford NEEDS to be saved.

is it right?

2007-08-24T10:24:00.000+01:00

"Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have to fight we always have a choice... we can always choose to do what is right." A quote from superman 3 that i thought was really good so saved it on my phone. however my friend brought up a very good point, what if you don't know the right thing? what if everyone seems to be telling you do this because it's the right thing but you just cant see it, you know it but you don't "KNOW" it. im explaining this really rubbish!
ok, take eating carrots for example, they are horrible things but you know the right thing to do is to eat them, however if after every time you eat carrots you are ill, really, is the right thing to do to still eat them?? Can the right thing be different for different people or is it always the same thing? if you can't see how doing the "right thing" that people keep telling you to do is going to help the situation at all then can it really be the right thing?? or is it just because you are right in the middle of the situation it is clouding your perspective? should it matter if it isn't going to help anything, is that the point? maybe you should listen to the people that are telling you, but how if you believe you are correct can you forget that and just go with what the others (ha!) are telling you?!

are "clubbers" really evil??

2007-08-23T12:17:00.000+01:00

i have heard quite a few times recently a common occurrence when talking about people that go clubbing... "they're evil" "they're such a mess" "i don't want to walk past them". and i have to disagree. Yes ok SOME people that go clubbing do drink too much and do get into trouble, however the vast majority of people that go clubbing go to have a good time with friends, they drink but then alcohol is not wrong... if one of your friends had two or three glasses of wine while out for dinner no one would really bat an eyelid. i heavily disagree with picture that seems to be painted whenever someone talks about clubbing. i go clubbing, in fact when i was still at college i used to go pretty much every weekend, and i wouldn't class myself as a mess, or a terrible person and i would go as far as to say a lot of the people i came into contact with while out clubbing were just like me. I dont really seem to see how people can generalise such a huge group of people. clubbing itself is not bad, you go into a building, dance to some good music, have a laugh with your friends and go home again. yes i am not silly and i can see that for everyone the night doesn't always go to pan but i think it's quite harsh to generalise everyone that is a "clubber" as an evil person, or as someone that needs some help!!

sorry rant over now!!

mainc!

2007-08-22T10:15:00.000+01:00

I'm back... Ive lost two weeks of blogging so being top of kirsty's blog list this month is looking unlikely but never mind....

a brief over view of my past few weeks:

i got questioned by the police... i was driving home the Saturday before summer school when i received an important text, i pulled into the army car park so i could read and reply to it (i was at the brewery roundabout when i got it!) in comes this police van with no joke about 12 police officers in it, come over to my car, and start to question me and adding on at the end that it will go on my record!!!... being punished for doing something good!!!
summer school... absolutely fantastic.
had my interview for essential
got the phone call i was excepted onto essential and where i would be going
dressed up as a slave for the night!!
gave the worst testimony i have ever done
witnessed some of my good friends become Christians
went out for a meal with the staff of summer school (as i was student staff i was invited!!)
gave another appalling testimony Sunday night
moved house
went round one roundabout 6times and still took the wrong exit and ended up where i started!!!
try and struggle with no shower, no TV signal, no Internet, no oven, no door handles and no radiators
find out i will be able to attend Claire's 21st party
watched the rest of series two of lost... oh my gosh!!!
collected a-level results
saw my nan and grandad from Ipswich
got TV signal at last
now have Internet

i will start proper blogging again soon!!

absolutly mind blowing!

2007-08-12T15:54:00.000+01:00

“Flipping heck man” is a saying that has commonly been used by myself this past week. I have gone through pretty much every emotion I could and am still being so encouraged yet challenged by people…. All through one decision! For those of you that don’t know yet, I was accepted onto the essential programme this week. I will start the end of august and will be based in the Yorkshire division. I went to summer school not really knowing what I was doing next year, not really sure what I SHOULD be doing next year and things pretty much all up in the air, however, I came home from summer school having had my interview and being told I was accepted and so knowing exactly what, where and when ill be doing!
The reason I say I have been constantly encouraged yet challenged by people is that everyone is so generous and I’m not just talking about money. People have really shown their love and support to me through out this week. I have been challenged so much and the question that is rolling around my head is what do they see that I don’t? Yea ok, I know that this is what I should be doing right now, I know that and believe that, but other people are putting their faith and trust in me trusting that I’m in tune with what god is saying. They don’t know, yet some of these people are supporting me in ways that is completely blowing my mind. I’m no-one special, I’ve not got any amazing outstanding gifts, yet people see something in me that they like, that they want to support…. In me!
My mind has completely been blown away over this week. People keep telling me I’m going to learn a lot and have so many lesson and experiences and all I can say is that I agree because they have started already. I have been taught so much by simply going through the process of applying and waiting and receiving. I not in the slightest thought things would happen like this.
An example of the amazing works of god… matt “encouraged!!!” me to give my testimony on Friday night about how my experience of summer school has been a life changing one, so I did. I thought I had made a complete idiot out of myself; I was really annoyed that I had such a great opportunity to tell people and encourage people and stuff about what I was doing and completely mucked it up. However, by the end of Saturday night I had found out that 3 students had text / phoned their parents after I had spoken and told them what I was doing and said we need to support her in this can we give her some money. I still can’t get my head around that. Take out the money thing because that’s not the point the point is that people of my age and younger saw something in me on Friday night that encouraged them and that’s crazy.
God wants me, whatever is in my past he wants, whatever is in my future he wants, whatever questions, battles, doubts, gifts I’ve got he wants. He wants to use me. And that is so massive to me; I can’t seem to get my head around it. He can see everything I do, he can zoom into whatever part of me he wants to and he still wants me, when I do things I know I shouldn’t he’s there and crying out to me saying “I want you let me make this better”. God can use anyone but I never thought he would want to use me. I never even gave it a thought, I’m too much of a sinner, I’m to imperfect, I muck up too many times, I need to be in control too much, I cant trust, I’ve too many questions but you know what…. Gods wants me anyway!I used to think you’ve got to have everything sorted before god would call you into anything, I believed if you had questions or doubts you were too weak for god. But this week it has been so so clear to me that god is calling me onto essential, this isn’t me just saying I don’t know what to do for the next year Ill take a gap year and do essential, this is really god saying hey this is where I want you right now, this is what I want you to do for me, you agree and ill make everything else come together and guess what, he has, I agreed and its all come together!

i will blog about summmer school properly soon, but we are moving house tomorrow and so it may not be for a few days!!

mission!!

2007-08-04T15:54:00.000+01:00

OK so i really havent got any time to blog in fact i shouldn't even be on here but i am and couldn't just let this one go!

i have just read the purpose driven life email for yesterday. it is talking about getting out and doing missions. it has made the statement... "there are more Christians on the earth today than ever before..." wow thats incredible, but, if that is really true how ashamed should we be that the world is in such a mess. The email says "There’s simply no substitute for hands-on, real life experience in another culture. Quit studying and discussing your mission and just do it! I dare you to dive into the deep end." perhaps if more people, including myself, were more like that the world wouldn't be where it is today. i heard on the radio about a 10 year old being arrested for murder, why if there are more Christians than ever did this 10 year old not know that murder is wrong!

"While not everyone has the missionary gift, every Christian is called to be on a mission... in some way" that is right, every christian is called to do something, yet why are most of us satisfied my simply going to a meeting on a sunday, wearing a uniform and singing some songs. why dont we have the push to actually take action. things need to change massively and it is us that are called to do it. there is a homeless guy that sits on one of the walkways from the brewery to the main high street in romford, why when there are dozens of churches in romford does he still beg for food... and im not saying that no-one is doing anything for him because i dont know that, but for months ive walked past this guy and his dog and thought each time why am i walking past, it is my duty as part of gods army to help this guy out, why is there passion but no action, so i have started getting him a pack of biscuits and a drink whenever i see him, but then i think to myself, is this actually doing any good... i have passion to make this situation better, to make it change but by simply giving him some food and a drink and saying god bless, isn't really going to help him at all. and this is just an example i dont know anything about this guy, he might choose to live on the street, i dont know, but isn't that it... i dont know... i havent bothered to find out, i dont care - or is it not that i dont care, more of i dont care enough?? why when there is so much wrong in the world are a lot of Christians not doing anything about it???

my life in a box!

2007-08-03T21:43:00.000+01:00

...and so was i!!!!!

so, 11 days until "the move" and the house is is rather empty. downstairs is basically just furniture and empty boxes, nothing in the cupboards, no ornaments, no photos, no mess, no culture.... its literally just a house!!

the bedrooms still need quite a lot of time but again most of the loose bits and bobs are in a box. that phrase "in a box" seems to be continually used in our house at the moment... "where are my white hockey socks... in a box" "wheres that dvd... in a box" " where is EVERYTHING from the front room... in a box"!! so when i say my life is in a box at the moment im telling the truth.... if its not in a box its in a bin back... the motto is "chuck it or pack it".

anyway, what made me blog this blog (other than i thought of that great title and was photographed sitting in a box!!) was that this evening i packed up the car to take it down the tip (the stuff inside not the actual car!!) and realised that our Christmas tree was in the Que to be put in the car, i can't remember a Christmas with out that tree, fair enough it is extremely old and crooked and there arent many branches left but fixing that tree together has been a tradition in our house for years and years and its finally had its day, the tree has gone! and thats it really, my life is in boxes, everything i own and and all the memories are in a box. what would happen if one of those boxes went missing during "the move"?? i would it be missed? would we realise? how can we trust mr move-it (i know such a cool name for a removal man!!) to move all out stuff properly and to not keep a box or two for himself, how do we know he isn't guna undo and snoop in all our stuff before he delivers it to our "new" house?? would it matter if he did?

so yea, bit of a rubbish blog but my life is in a box.... ha and so was i!!!

the smile bug!!

2007-07-31T23:23:00.000+01:00

"a smile is contagious" is a quote i remember hearing from somewhere. i am normally quite a smiley person. my reaction to a lot of things, however in-appropriate is often a big fat grin! tonight however, i was grumpy. yes thats right, i was grumpy and i am not ashamed to admit it! i was at work (AGAIN!) and i really didn't want to be there! i have sooo much stuff that needs to be done, with summer school this weekend and moving house next weekend and nick coming home this Friday, and mums Holiday club this week i seriously have no time to be at work!! so i was grumpy... no excuse really i know but i was tired and fed up. however, it seemed to me that every customer that came in tonight was also grumpy. i was not alone in my grumpiness!! i wasn't sure however whether this was my fault!... if a smile can be contagious... can grumpiness?? i normally enjoy my work and have a good ol natter to the customers and normally a smile is spread throughout our shop, but today because i wasn't supplying that initial first smile the smile bug was not passed on... i made my customers grumpy!!!
now some people would say i am reading too much into this unfortunate coincidence of everyone in upminster being grumpy, but i truly believe... if i was smiley perhaps my customers might have been smiley too. thats a lot of pressure on one young girl!!
tomorrow night at work i am determined to be smiley, i will make upminster a smiler place!!!!

whats next???

2007-07-27T13:56:00.000+01:00

so, whats next? i am currently living in a house full of boxes. we are moving on the 13th august and so as you can imagine our house is rather empty. however, because we are moving two days after summer school i currently have one week to pack up my room and at the moment i have exactly 0 boxes packed!! never mind!!

while this whole move thing is happening it is really making me think (i need to stop doing that i think!), anyway, im at the stage in my life where i am on the verge of my future, i have the whole world in front of me and its time i take that next step. but what is that next step going to be??!! three days after we have moved is that dreaded day, the day my A-level results are revelled. now i know i am not an academic person, i really wasn't enthused by college and the thought of knowing the results of what little work i actually did really doesn't encourage me! is university for me... i really dont think it is. so if not uni, what?

someone said to me a while ago, not to search and search to find whats next, but to wait for god guide you. yea ok but if you don't search with all your heart then how are you going to know what god is saying, how can you simply "wait" on him and not explore the options because how can you be sure that god wasn't telling you what to do through giving the options for you to explore?? and is waiting on god simply not a way of searching for what he's got planned for your life?? i know things will happen and paths will be made clear in his time, not ours, but if we are not constantly searching for 'the next thing' how will we ever see "the path"???

lastly im really gunna make myself uncomfortable and push my own boundaries quite considerably and ask you to pray for me, that whatever the next year or so has in hold really really does become clear. i am really looking into another option at the moment that all seems really great but i cant help but think "is this what it is"? and if it is, will things all fall into place??

hmmm.... whats next???

an inner cleasing!

2007-07-25T22:56:00.000+01:00

Tonight i participated in quite a long fitness session with my hockey team. it was great. at the end my legs were numb, my cheeks were trying to turn one step further than red, i felt sick, my head was thumping and my 2 liter bottle of water was empty - what a great session. it was so refreshing. i pushed myself to my absolute limit tonight and it felt great. i feel thoroughly cleansed out! peoples fitness levels soon became clear. i was well chuffed. being a goal keeper and a student the stereotype is to be extremely un healthy and un-fit but i found myself quite near the top in fitness levels. i do think though that it was through sheer determination that i ran so far, perseverance to keep up with the fittest girl wherever and whenever and whatever speed she did. i pushed myself tonight harder than i have done in a long while and i feel so good for doing so. on our third lap of the field (this field is huge it includes like four football pitches, 2 cricket pitches and a load of random space) i literally gave it all i had and beat everyone but one back, and me and the winner did an extra football pitch! i loved it. its times like tonight were i realise sport, exercise and fitness are well and truly part of me.
so anyone that fancies a good run around, some extreme stretching, lots of fartlek and circuit training, some intense abs (tummy muscles!) work and lots more running just let us know!

this is crazy!!

2007-07-23T23:44:00.000+01:00

OK, so i was walking with a friend of mine to their flat. i hadn't seen the flat before so was trying to take in as much as i could. my friend's flat is part of a complex type thing with lots of different areas and various levels. When we were walking through the complex on our way back to the car we walked past a door. now, this door wasn't just the door to any room, this was a special room. it had a big white door and even had a sign on the front stating what it was called. my friend, obviously walking past this door every day to and from the flat, didn't bat an eyelid, my friend just carried on walking, as if there was nothing there, i on the other hand had a look twice. i stopped moving and glared at the door until my friend realised i had paused. the name of this room, that was stated on the front of the door was... "the bin room". i know how crazy, fancy calling a perfectly good room, the bin room. but guess whats even funnier... that's where the bins belong!, the bin room is full of... BINS!! there is a whole room, a whole room dedicated to bins. that's sooo crazy, who would think of building an extra room for the bins, its not like they can get cold and get ill, its not like they might wonder off and get run over or anything, they are bins!! a whole room for... the bins... crazy!!

i've never....

2007-07-19T21:49:00.000+01:00

"Ive never...." is a game, another game i learnt on tour. you go round a circle and say the words "ive never..." and follow it with a statement, if that statement is untrue for you in the circle you drink. so for example i could say i have never taken illegal drugs and if someone in my circle had taken illegal drugs they would need to drink because the statement ive never taken drugs would be untrue for them! anyway, in one of the many episodes of 'lost' i have seen this week this game was being played. the statement that was said was (if you haven't seen lost you wont know the background so just look beyond the detail!!) "ive never... carried a letter around for 20 years because i couldn't get over my baggage" that is so appropriate i thought. sunday mornings meeting pushed loads of boundaries and i think that is awesome and was done in completely the right way and was received amazingly as well, and the message, i felt, was so challenging. everybody probably carries around "excess baggage" with them all day, everyday and for some people they may not even realise it. It reminds me of that debt advert, you know the one where a man attaches himself to that woman's leg, he's there with her at work, when she's going for jog and even on a night out and her friends are like whats that, but she doesn't even notice him anymore!

I've been thinking about this for quite a long time and my mind has taken the path of good and bad baggage. is there such a thing as good baggage?? or if its good is it not called baggage?? baggage is more than memories, its feelings and attitudes and responses and choices. baggage isn't looked upon as bad (the word) but if you put excess before it, the whole nature of the word changes. in fact the word excess can change any word to become negative, weight, food, hair. so, is a certain amount of baggage excepted but when it become excess its wrong?? do you need a certain amount of baggage to keep "normal"??

"I've never got this baggage thing!"

knat bites!!!

2007-07-19T21:34:00.000+01:00

knat bites! why is it that knat bites feel so so so so good when your scratching them but once you stop the pain is massive. wow, as i type that so many other things come to mind that are exactly the same!! chocolate, exercising without stretching, shopping!!

All 'lost'ed out!!

2007-07-19T19:01:00.000+01:00

I’m not obsessed. I’m not feeling like I need it. I don’t shout and laugh out loud at the TV with no one else in the room. I don’t day dream about what’s going to happen while I’m meant to be working. I don’t set my alarm for ridiculous times in the morning so I can watch some more before my day starts. I don’t break out in a cold sweat when it ends on a massive cliffhanger and I haven’t got time to watch the next one.
Ok, so maybe the above are a little bit true. But I wouldn’t say I was obsessed. I am in control of this. I can stop ‘lost’ at any point if I want to, just because I choose not to, does not mean I couldn’t!
Yes, I have found ‘lost’. Well Claire and dale discovered ‘lost’, became obsessed and are now trying to convert everyone else around them!
It’s crazy it is unbelievably great. Every episode ends on a complete cliffhanger that you just have to watch the next one. So why haven’t I been blogging / facebooking / emailing / texting / socialising this week?? – Lost!

"whats your name miss?" "Sarah... ... doh... i mean miss Tomkinson"!!!

2007-07-12T22:24:00.000+01:00

wow its been a whole week, i feel like im on some kind of programme to help me come off the bloggage addiction!! im not honestly, i would blog if had the time!
so, ive been on work experience the past couple of weeks. i have actually got (i think) quite an accurate picture of what is involved in being a PE teacher. it's been quite hard to be honest trying to juggle my part time job and the tiredness from tour as well, but it has been great fun. ive had the privilege of teaching / coaching a year 7 and a year 8 girls rounders lesson, coaching some keen and some not so keen shot putters - and with that seeing the progress of throwing a whole metre further than what they were before i intervened!, practised my umpiring at a year 10 borough rounders rally (i wasnt qualified enough to actually umpire a game but i kept score and umpired away from the pitch and compared notes with the actual umpires after each game to see how good i was... i was good!), led a warm-up for a mixed sex GCSE group, observed a boys danish longball lesson, marked GSCE practise papers / folders and had first hand experience at sitting back with a hot drink, a laptop in front of me knowing my next lesson isn't for another 3 hours!!!
All in all my work experience has been a really good. i know for a fact now that i love helping, encouraging, coaching kids. i love being able to share the stuff i know with them to help them improve themselves and their game. i love being able to see a difference from the start of a lesson the the end of a lesson in their attitude towards certain things that carry negative stereotypes. I still do however feel there needs to be more, there needs to be something else. I think a PE teacher would be an absolutely great job to have but is it for me?? will it fill me up?? the past couple of weeks have seemed to reinforce what has been going through my head for a while, that actually i need to be doing something else, i need to be pushing myself further and harder. The past couple of weeks i have been so comfortable in what ive been doing and where ive been. Going out onto a rounders field surrounded by 25 13 year olds, 20 of which don't want to be there makes me comfortable, i can handle that fine and my work experience has proved that to me, but i feel i need to be pushed, i need my boundaries stretched i need to be searching for "something else"!

frrrrrgh!!

2007-07-05T19:41:00.000+01:00

wow what a manic couple of weeks and im still in the thick of it!... 2 weekends ago i was at the young leaders course, then that week i was finishing off my exams, then last weekend i was on tour (ill elaborate later!), got back monday night and tuesday morning started some work experience at emerson park school, so Work Experience everyday this week, payed work pretty much every night this week babysitting all weekend, work experience on monday for the rest of the week, payed work and presentations in the evenings, YP anniversary next sunday and then i think i have a break! so that kinda explains why i haven't blogged or been on facebook or replied to any of my 56 emails!!!!

frrrrrgh (that's meant to sound like relief!) i feel like a weight has been lifted after saying all that!

so tour! wow, where do i start! i went on tour with my hockey team least weekend to Belgium (which btw is not in Germany!) we left early friday morning and returned monday evening. all in all, over the weekend, i would say i had less than 10 hours sleep, downed about 20 cans of coke (because i dont drink, instead of a cup of beer i had a can of coke... not really fair i think!!), played about 15 games of intense very high standard mixed hockey, slept in a gap smaller than one of the girls bags, got sun burnt on my nose, had an intense hour long conversation about god and church and faith at 7 o'clock in the morning (we were still up from the night before!), won nearly every drinking game (it doesnt matter that they were all drunk and i new exactly what i was doing!!) and ate more ribs in one night than ive got myself.
the weekend was absolutely fantastic. so many great memories and just a chance to chill out with loads of great people. I do have to say though, that my eyes have been opened. The nick name i was given on tour was "Bambi" and the main reason was because i was so naive and innocent (yea i know i couldn't believe it either!), but gradually throughout the weekend my eyes became wider and wider. On the Sunday evening, once the hockey had finished and the bar was drunk dry, we packed up our stuff and travelled to Antwerp. We headed straight for dinner because lots of hockey, lack of sleep and too much alcohol apparently makes people very hungry! anyway, the restaurant we went to was an all you can eat rib restaurant (hence eating more ribs than ive got!) absolutely great place, very very cheap for mouth watering ribs. The restaurant was right next to the red light district and being in a male dominated group of people we walked through it. I was shocked. (this apparently is where i proved my 'bambiness' the most!) on both sides of the street, for four / five streets every shop window had girls in, every window was filled with one, two or three girls. In one window was a young girl, a child in fact, she could have been no older than 15, sitting on a chair making eye contact with men old enough to be her dad and even her grandad. i just couldn't believe it. i mean i knew that it went on, i knew what a red light district was, i knew that this is wrong but actually being there, walking up and down the streets standing right next to these girls is something completely different. One of the roads we walked down had a shop with the door open, the girls were walking around outside their windows trying to get custom that way. i felt Resistance in walking past them, but why? surely as a christian and a Senior soldier of the salvation army i shouldn't feel afraid to simply walk past them, but was it because i knew how wrong this whole set up was, i felt so loud that "this has to stop" but new right at that very moment i was helpless in this situation, i can do nothing to stop this right now. directly opposite the shop where the girls were standing around outside was the towns police station. Yes you did read that correct. the police station that in some peoples eyes is the heart of a town, the safety place, the place that makes everything alright is smack bang in the middle of the biggest injustice and wrongness of its town. Everyday those policemen must go to work walk past all of those shop windows and not even bat an eyelid. I can't get my head around that. This is soooo wrong but if their very own police establishment doesn't agree it's wrong then how can it ever change. As i say my eyes have been opened. I was talking to one of the guys from my hockey team about it a bit on the way to the bar and he was saying things like "its just the way things are, most of the girls would be from other countries, looking for some work and see it as an easy way to make some money, they dont have to do anything really in a way, and they can pay for their families." BUT ITS STILL WRONG, surely none of those girls would choose out of their own free will to have that kind of job. One of the girls from my team was dared to go and ask what the rate was, it's pathetic, the money is rubbish, i suppose its because they are in a massive state of competition being surrounded by everyone else but to get payed such low money there is no way a job like that can be justified.

sorry i went off on a bit of a tangent then. but it is so wrong, and none of my team could really understand why i was so shocked by it all. And when i was saying "this is so wrong" no-one really seemed to agree. and just kept saying "it's their own choice" even if it is their own choice, why are they making this choice!

anyway, im back now and loving looking through all the photos from everyone (http://www.facebook.com/ if you want to look!!). as i said at the beginning of this essay i am still really really rushed so may not blog for another week or so! but im second on kirsty's blog list.... woohoo!!!)

am i really such a horrible person??!!

2007-06-26T14:05:00.000+01:00

It was my mums birthday yesterday. i wont tell you how old she was but if u have good eye sight you might be able to see from the picture!! she was away for it, (which was great for me because Claire's away this week too which means it would be left to me to organise and "pamper" her all day,) so i had thought i would send her a text wishing her a happy birthday and a good day. I did however forget to do this and it wasn't until i received a text off her mid afternoon thanking me for her presents i remembered. I do feel guilty so i have done this. i made her some cakes. i made the same amount as her age and stuck a candle through the middle of each one. I will be at work this evening when she returns home so i thought this might be a nice surprise!... what do u think... cheesey or a nice surprise??

trust and young leaders!

2007-06-24T23:13:00.000+01:00

So, another challenging weekend. But challenging in a different way to what I had expected. Being a young leaders course I was on, I obviously expected to be challenged about the leadership stuff I’m doing or not doing which may be the more relative word. And yes I was challenged in that area but far more in the areas of my life I’m struggling with most. Looking back I should have expected this to happen, I mean it was a Christian / army course and considering the amount I seem to be challenged at the moment on a regular basis I am annoyed this thought didn’t enter my head. Anyway it didn’t and I went with my guard down. I can see that this is obviously god’s work, he knew he had stuff to tell me (over and over again!) and knew that if I he warned me I wouldn’t be willing to listen to these things AGAIN! So I am grateful.

A bit of background information to help you understand this blog! I went on the second weekend of a young leaders development course (which for those of you who seem to be a bit confused is not about turning 7 young people into army officers!!!) It was lead by our DYO (Mr matt white) and based at Hatfield peveral DHQ (yes we did sleep on DHQ’s floor…. AGAIN!!!!). We had a few sessions on learning more about leadership and different stuff. We were then told we were leading Sundays morning meeting at Hatfield peveral corps (I was quite excited at this point!) but then what followed was “matt l and chell wont be there, neither will Christine, neither will two members of the group” this left us with 3 young leaders, matt and glyn.

One of the things we had discussed earlier in the day yesterday was trust. This wasn’t a huge thing it was just included in one of the sessions. However, I think it soon became clear that this WAS a big thing for some of us in the room. When we were planning and thinking about our meeting (at this point the “staff!” left the room and we were left to organise the meeting) we were thinking about the ‘theme’ and what direction we could take this meeting in and all I could think of was trust, all another two people could think of was trust and all that seemed to be evident and workable was the theme of ‘trust’. So that’s what we went with.

For me the whole trust thing is huge. I struggle so much with putting my trust in other people and things, yet it winds me up when other people don’t feel like they can trust me. It’s so backwards but for me at the moment (change is in process I promise!!) that’s just how it is. And so to lead a meeting and do part of a sermon about how important trust is was really pushing my own boundaries! I was so conscious about not saying things that I don’t believe in. I wasn’t going to stand up at the front of Hatfield peveral corps with 10 –12 members of the older generation staring back at me, listening to my every word, with probably a judgement in their head about me already because I was wearing ‘crocs’ and jeans to lead a meeting and say things that I know deep down I don’t agree with. This obviously made my job much harder and longer when writing a third of the sermon. Funnily enough the point I had to talk about (in our booklets for the weekend trust had been split into three bullet points… making a choice, taking a risk and paying the price) I had been given ‘making a choice’ and the whole thing about choice is another massive issue of mine at the moment!!! Anyway, before I could start writing my ‘talk’ I had to clarify for myself what I believe, what I don’t believe and what it is I actually struggle with. This for me was so beneficial, for actually having time and a motivation to do this was great. It also helped a lot to have people to sound things of on, not going into personal stuff but by giving another example and looking from the outside it is clear to see whether something can be justified or if it’s just nonsense!!

Trust is still a massive issue for me but I can see much clearer what, why and where! And it is becoming clearer and clearer to me that trust in god is the most important thing and that trust will NEVER be broken, trust in god can NEVER hurt you or come back on you. The bible reading we used this morning was matt 4:18-22. In my talk I focused on the part in that story where Jesus simply says “come, follow me” and simon and Andrew just left their nets that they use to make a living and use to keep them from going hungry and got up and followed. They trusted this so called rabbi stranger and went with him. That is trust I want. I wish I could trust god that much. I wish when I read stuff about god having our futures in his hand I could get really excited and fired up and 100% trust that yet when I read that I question, what right do I have to question trust in god. People yea… people will always let you down; people will always be breaking trust but god, no. A big part of trust is about vulnerability. Are we willing to be vulnerable enough to hand over the struggles in our lives?? Are we willing to make the choice to believe god has got everything under control?? Are we up for the risk in trusting other people with parts of our lives?? Giving people a chance or maybe2 or 3 or 10 or 100?? Are we willing to put our full trust on a god that has promised to love us, care for us and never leave us??
A side question I’ve been mulling over this weekend… “Why is it that when we trust people with things and they brake that trust we freak out and possibly take ages to get over the break in trust and even never rebuild the trusting relationship but with god, when bad things in our lives crop up we can stop trusting in god but soon enough that trust is rebuilt, we feel we need to or should be mending the issue"???

social life.... whats that!

2007-06-20T19:05:00.000+01:00

a-level exams = no social life.

reasons...

you cant go out anywhere near as much as you would do normally because you need to stay in and revise
your friends take different subjects than you and so have already finished their exams and are going out lots because so
you have no money to do anything anyway because you cant work any extra shifts at your part time job because you have to revise and have exams during the days and the money you do earn for your contracted shift gets spent on choclate for after exams and revision!
you get stressed because you realise you do actually know nothing which results in not being much company in a social event anyway
because of the stress you have little petty arguments with people, arguments that really arent even worth the energy but because your friends are in the same situation you are all stressed equal amounts and so no-one is willing to take the first move to appologise
everything that happens seems to distract you from what you are ment to be doing so the revision takes a lot longer than expected so the no social life goes on for ever and ever
a day with friends would usually be spent in the shopping part of romford but with exams its spent on your own in the libary part of romford
when people that aren't taking exams ask how they are going you bite their heads off because its then you realise the career you really want probably isn't going to ever happen anymore

anyway, i only have two left now, both of which are english language (i hear you chuckle!!) next monday and next wednesday. and the weekend my exams finish i go on tour with my hockey team... woohoo, 20 odd games of hockey, sleeping in a tent / outside, 1920's themed fancy dress night, in a foreign country... what a way to unwind!!... no social life now but what a social life afterwards!!

that one isn't me, it's not who i am

2007-06-19T23:24:00.000+01:00

(this links in a lot with one of kirsty's latest blogs, so i appolgise for that but still felt i needed to blog it!)

I have recently started receiving the purpose driven life daily devotional email thing. Something of which i have nearly stopped on quite a lot of occasions. it seems to, every time i receive it, be so appropriate, this is bugging me. In fact, lots and lots of things seem to be doing this lately. this is both comforting and not so comforting. its nice because i spose in a way it shows that actually god is still hovering around, but, it means ive got to start doing things and changing things that to be honest i dont want to. One of the things that god seems sooo desperate to make me hear is something that involves me changing, not gradually evolving but consciously making a choice to change. so many times this has been said to me in so many different ways over the past couple weeks. but todays was just the cherry on top! i was watching... let me re-phrase that, in the background Trisha Goddard was on the tv this morning. i cant remember what the title or anything was because i wasnt really watching it but it was about too sisters, one of which was a smart young lady, make-up, fitted clothes high heals etc, the other was a rather large lady, joggers, baggy t-shirt, trainers and hair just pulled back. the point of the show was to give her a makeover. ANYWAY to cut a long and very boring story short, she received this makeover and did actually look much better for it. but when Trisha asked her how she felt she said this "yeah this looks nice and yeah (looking at the before and after photos) that one does look better but that one isn't me, it's not who i am..." she was looking like that just for her sister, to get other people off her back. should that happen?? should we change parts of "us" to please other people?? should we become people we aren't to please the world?? isn't that like the drama the old drama group used to do with the whole "ive got an umbrella, so have i, me too, look at mine, well ive got a waterproof jacket.... out, leave, go, go, go"??

at what point do we need to stop using that as an excuse? my latest thought has been basically that the things i know i have to change and the person i need to change have kind of become part of me, why should i change that. if you were eating a banana and you discover a bruise, quite a small bruise in the middle, you wouldn't change banana's, you would just except that thats the way that banana is, it's who it is. ok i know a rubbish analogy and some people with weird banana fetish's may well change the banana, but at what point does something become part of who you are and that doesn't need to be changed??? or should you still change that? what if, the thing that you are changing is actually something or someone you are meant to be or meant to be going through?? what if god is trying to produce good out of it but you go ahead and change it... a man is going to propose to his girl friend... he knows she is an alcoholic, he tries to be romantic (in a weird kinda way!) and places the ring in between two cans of beer in the fridge, a few hours later the girl friend goes to the fridge but realises what she is doing to herself and so quickly grabs both cans of beer and throws them in the bin... the ring is never to be seen again and the man takes that as a no and so leaves the girl friend. the girlfriend tried to change who she was but god was already at work and so things went pair shaped. is it just a simple answer like trust god, trust that he knows what he's doing, and that he is adaptable and so if it was in his plan for the man and woman to marry she would have drunk both beers and found the ring??

my POSITIVE day

2007-06-14T23:01:00.000+01:00

my day today has been good because...

I had the chance for a little lay-in
Shared lunch with my sister
had the use of the car all day when i thought i hadn't
got lots of revision done for my exam tomorrow
Chatted to nick for a bit on msn this evening (woohoo)
re-charged my MP3 that has been dead for a week
chatted to two friends i haven't spoken to in a while.

now recently i have been really trying hard to think more positively. i must admit it's really hard! i didn't really realise how much of a negative thinker i was until i concentrated on what i was saying and thinking!! i've found my self on a number of occasions saying something without even realising how negative it was and then saying "but the good thing about that is.." afterwards just because i didnt realise what i was saying! it is hard though to try and stay sincere with what i say as well now. for example, last night i played hockey, we lost 4-0 and so my natural reaction to that score line is "thats rubbish, we need to play more as a team, if people showed up to training etc" however last night i was saying stuff like "4-0, thats not bad considering they are two leagues above us normally" but did i really believe what i was saying?? the fact is that we didnt play together very well at all, people do need to turn up to training in order for us to improve. so was my negative thought the truth and the positive thought just made up because i was trying to be positive. i didnt really mean what i was saying because i believe we played rubbish. surely its not right for us to say stuff that we dont believe and agree with just because we are trying to see a positive side?? or is that the whole point, we need to start believing the positive stuff. but how on earth do you do that?? how could i believe that the score line was justified because they are better players than us, knowing that we could be as good as them if not better if our players were all motivated and heading for the same thing?? is it just choice?? is it just choosing to believe something? i dont get it, if you dont believe its correct or true your convincing yourself of lies?? or are you?? please help!!

libary's are evil

2007-06-14T22:13:00.000+01:00

Three reasons why:

I'm in debt. yes... debt with a library! unbelievable! i received a letter in the post today telling me of my fine!!! i was horrified!
they fool you. they look all peaceful and quiet and helpful on the outside, but inside... they have windows on the roof so when it rains you cant hear anything but the rain, they have a really really loud phone tone so when the phone rings you cant hear the rain anymore, they have a strong smell... a bit like... books and they have people that work there that have no consideration for the fact its a QUIET study area!
when there's a storm they turns into a haunted house, something like a horror film!

however, i did manage to get quite a lot of revision done, was out all afternoon and evening and spent no money! library's are helpful... but still evil!

positive-ish!

2007-06-13T17:25:00.000+01:00

I HATE EXAMS! EXAMS ARE HORRIBLE!
I HATE EXAMS! EXAMS ARE HORRIBLE!
I HATE EXAMS! EXAMS ARE HORRIBLE!
I HATE EXAMS! EXAMS ARE HORRIBLE!
ETC...

that is what i was going to post. until i remembered i am trying to think positively.

I DON'T LIKE DOING EXAMS BUT I CAN SEE THEIR PURPOSE!
I DON'T LIKE DOING EXAMS BUT I CAN SEE THEIR PURPOSE!
I DON'T LIKE DOING EXAMS BUT I CAN SEE THEIR PURPOSE!
I DON'T LIKE DOING EXAMS BUT I CAN SEE THEIR PURPOSE!
ETC...

funny story included!

2007-06-11T15:47:00.000+01:00

ok so revision is really boring, ive already been to the gym, spent too long on facebook, played some football, practised my juggling, googled some ideas for Sundays FOJ (ideas welcome... two leaders 8 kids) and started to read a new book (because i have finished the one i was reading.. woohoo... two down three to go!!) and so all that is left to do before i must get back to revision is to blog!

i wrote a really long blog last night, spent ages typing it, editing it and stuff but decided to delete it in the end because i thought it would be one of those blogs that if i had posted it i would have regretted it this morning, however now i wish i had of posted it, but i didnt and really cant be bothered to do it all over again and i know it wont end up being as good as was it was last night and so my long and serious blog can stay deleted!

a funny story... when i was at the gym this morning (i was exercising by 10.15... wow... nothing gets me up that early while im on study leave!!) i was cycling away on the bike and a woman two bikes away from me all of a sudden burst into song!!! (haha im laughing so hard as i type this!!) there was a man next to me and the woman was next to him. i looked at her, then looked at her again in amazement, the man looked at me then looked at her and then looked at me again and then we both started really laughing, he was laughing so hard he snorted which made me laugh even more, and what is even funnier is the woman realised after about 5 seconds what she was doing and that we were laughing hysterically at her so stopped and quickly got off her bike and went away! (im nearly crying with laughter!). i feel really bad for making her feel so embarrassed but it was sooooo funny, and im sure if i was the person singing and she was observing she would have done exactly the same as me!

anyway, put that to one side. ive been thinking a lot recently about impression (thats not the right word and its really frustrating me that i cant think of the correct one!!). what impression / impact am i having on other people, on non-Christians, on other Christians. ive been thinking a lot about the stuff i do for other people, whether with the intention to help them out or by doing it means im helping myself and helping them is just a bi-product of helping myself. do i make it clear to people that i am a christian and i do these things because im trying to be "christ like", do i do things for other people because im trying to score brownie points with god or because i think there might be a chance that by me constantly helping someone out / being there for someone they will come to know god??.. anyway i get side tracked. the point of me bringing this up was to say that i have really been looking out for people that make a good impression (impression so is not the right word!) on people and how they do it and whether they know how much of a good influence / 'impression' they have made at that point. My conclusion is no they dont. i have observed quiet a few people doing things that were really nice for other people not realising what they did or how much it meant to that person, yet they did it anyway. if the person did realise how much of a 'blessing' they left would it change their motives?? hmmm.

new shoes!!

2007-06-07T21:57:00.001+01:00

ok so tonight i had the house to myself, i know no biggie it happens quite a lot, but, this afternoon i went shopping. im normally quite a boring shopper and dont particularly enjoy shopping with other people (your always out longer, have to go in loads of shops you dont want to, every time more money is spent with someone else than on your own etc) however, today i was in the need for some "retail therapy" if that is the right saying. i (going personal here!!) have been struggling a little bit recently with loads of silly stuff and that saying by popie (i cant remember it exactly... dawn??) has really been quite true for me. Anyway, i took the opportunity of being on study leave and me and a good friend of mine went shopping (her boyfriend came to be thats not important i just thought id let you know!). All the above is true, i spent much longer than anticipated shopping, we did go in lots and lots of shops (nearly a wedding dress shop to have a laugh but her boy friend got slightly too freaked out!) i did spend much more money than i can afford too but we did have a good laugh, i enjoyed shopping with someone else - woohoo, an accomplishment!

anyway, by going shopping this afternoon and buying lots of new things gave me the opportunity to try everything on tonight! my mum and sister were both out which meant i turned up the radio, got the full length mirror in view and spent two and half hours trying different clothes on. it was great! i didn't just try my new clothes on i tried on my whole wardrobe (and most of Claire's but don't tell her!).

one of the items i bought were a new pair of army shoes. my other ones are horrible!! i never really liked them when i first got them but it was a rush to get some shoes before i got enrolled and those were pretty much the first pair we saw!! they are too small and too big (their too small by my toes so too short but too wide!!) and i just dont really like them! so i bought new ones today, £12 from primark, however what did puzzle me (and in fact my friend) is that it was soo hard to choose these shoes, i mean their shoes that i would only really wear one day a week and only for a couple of hours yet they had to be just right, no pattern, no white stitching, a heal, not too big of a heal, black, pointy but not too pointy etc (my friend just didnt get why, and too be honest neither do i but thats just what they have got to be!!) but i found some, not exactly what i was thinking of but close. And they are quite fashionable so i will wear them out as well. the only problem is they are slightly too small (the bigger size was far too big!) and so i have been wearing them around the house tonight to try and stretch them a little before i wear them out tomorrow night but now i have blisters!! im not impressed!

anyway i just wanted to blog the fact that i enjoyed shopping with other people and i bought new army shoes!! nothing important really!!!!

very wise friends please help!

2007-06-04T13:36:00.000+01:00

A question a friend of mine has recently put to me that i don't know the answer to but really need to find it out for him, so if any of my very wise friends have a thought or an "answer" i would be very grateful.

The question is this... "god will hold us accountable for the sin we do. but if we ask his forgiveness and he grants us with forgiveness will he still hold us accountable to that sin on judgement day??" and if the answer is "no, we will only be judged on the things we are not repentant for" then "what if we know we are doing something that we shouldn't be, we do it despite the fact we know gods not going to like it, but then come and ask for gods forgiveness, will the answer to the above change?"

I told my friend i will try and find the answer out for him but I'm really not sure so any input would be helpful. thanks.

the store-room and my thoughts!

2007-06-03T14:24:00.000+01:00

last night at work i became "the cleaning lady"!!! a name i DO NOT wish to be called!! i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, in fact the only thing i did for a five and half hour shift was clean. i scrubbed, wiped, hosed, polished every work service, wall, table, window, glass, chip tub, door, shelf, dishwasher in the shop! i am however, not moaning! i quiet enjoyed myself. i was in our store-room for about two hours scrubbing the walls (i took a before and after photo but its on my phone and so cant post it on here!). i was the only member of staff doing this job so was on my own, but this meant i had two hours to myself, lovely.

earlier on in the day yesterday i helped nick with selling the army papers in ilford. this was an experience, one of which was completely new for me. while i was standing in my uniform in the boiling heat holding my pot and papers i was thinking about my next blog. i looked around and thought i could blog about the different kind of givers. you have the ones that are happy to give and get their money out ready for when they walk past you, you have the people that as soon as they realise their going to have to walk past they grab hold of the child and start telling them off (poor child!), the people who walk past you starring at the ground knowing they should give but really don't want to, the people similar to the previous one but then feels so bad will come back and put 10p in the box, the lonely people that just want to chat and tell you about their life (luckily they all seemed to want to chat to nick not me!!), and so on, but then i remembered Glyn had blogged about something very similar to this a while ago.

However, while i was scrubbing away the store-room walls i couldn't stop thinking about that blog. can people really be placed into a box that easily?

last night (after work) i went out into romford for a good ol boogie! i was in 'time and envy' and i realised i could quite easily box up the people around me. the free-Lance clubber who dances with one hand permanently in the air their eyes shut and taking up half the dance floor, the actually good dancers that can pull anyone just by moving their hips and the not so good dancers that know their not very good, know they don't really know the songs but love the atmosphere and so just do a weird kind body moving thing with their feet firmly on the floor and both hands down (you can guess what one i am!!!!!!!!!).

so, my question is (why do all my "serious" blogs end or begin with questions??!!) if someone was to walk into our church would they be able to box us all up into... 'boxes'(!) with a clear label that defines who we are and what we are about?? is that a bad thing if they can?? what box would you be placed in?? hmm...

my grandparents are the best!

2007-05-31T11:20:00.000+01:00

This week i have in Ipswich (hence the no blogging!!). i was on a "strict study break" (you need to hear it in my nans voice for that saying to be effective!!). i knew i had to get lots of revision done because.... well... Ive not really done a lot being here, so i went with a positive work attitude. needless to say this attitude had disappeared by Monday afternoon and it was down to my Nana to keep me up the table working!

despite the revision, i had such a lovely few days. it was the best just being able to "be" with them. I've also come to realise that i am the same as my Nana. we are identical (not looks obviously... mind you she might have looked this beautiful when she was a tad younger!! haha!!), some of the things she came out with are things like i come out with and two or three times last night when chilling out with Claire i said something then heard my nan saying exactly the same! and how i get very easily distracted when talking to someone.... so does she, one minute we could be talking about my work then the next second she would say something about the weather then forget what she was talking about to begin with!! - I DO THAT TOO!! its weird, but its cool i know where i get it from now!!

spending time with them really showed me what love is. they are sooo in love, they know each other inside out, they know each others weaknesses and so make them their own strengths. They are both getting older and so need each other more than ever and they know the other will be there. its answered a few questions and it is clear to me now that that is the the place they should be. i love you Nana and grandad.

highlights from my time with the best grandparents in the world...

When my mobile phone went off and my nan jumped soooo high (i think she thought we were being invaded or something!) and followed it with the statement... "i just don't get it, how that message can reach that phone and make that noise, it's the same as the normal phone as well, i don't understand that either" - classic.
when we were watching the lunch time news and we had the picture of a woman but the sound of a man (they got the broadcast muddled up)... my nans reaction was the best
we went out for diner and my grandads arm started bleeding (only a little bit like one splotch on his shirt) and my nan shouted "Dave, you've been shot" - I'm still laughing now

there were so many more best bits but they were the best best bits!! Nana and grandad sheila are the best people in the world!

trying to catch up!!

2007-05-30T18:28:00.000+01:00

tagged...

"Imagery involoves the formation of mental pictures of successful performances"

From the book "A2 PE for AQA" by some very clever people!

why was it so close? took it away for revision and my bag was near the computer!! (havent unpacked yet... blogs come first (i think i may well be addicted!!))

rules: their listed on everyone elses blog!!!

i tag: zoe, jude, rich wright, becca g and becks (try and blog more!!)

inspired by 'bruce almighty'

2007-05-24T18:38:00.000+01:00

if you had gods powers for a short while what would be the first thing you would use them for??

would you change something in your personal life before you change something in someone else's life?? would you make yourself a little happier or a bit more comfortable before you start looking at world wide problems?? would you do anything differently?? would you simply keep up the stuff god is doing at the moment or would you change it slightly??

If by saying that you would change things, even ever so slightly, is that saying we think we are better than god is? is it saying "yea OK i trust in what god is doing in my life and the world at the moment but i know if i was in charge i would do it differently"? is it saying we don't trust god 100% because we think we know better? And if we said that we wouldn't change anything why do we insist of complaining and moaning about the situations and people around us?

im hearing what your saying if your saying what im hearing!!

2007-05-24T18:15:00.000+01:00

the above is a quote from the great programme "8 simple rules" on ABC1. i heard it the other day and had to blog it. interpretation is a huge thing. and so much communication is made in the world with very little of it actually saying what needs to be said. instead of saying "i would like an orange juice, will you get me one please" so many of us would say "do you want to go and get me an orange juice" and so lots of people can interpret that as a polite question and respond with a simple NO when actually you are saying "go and get me one"! when we don't make ourselves clear mistakes can happen and we might not even realise that what we said (or didn't say) has been interpreted in the complete wrong way and has caused a massive problem! "i am hearing what you are saying if your saying what I'm hearing!!"

what an exam!

2007-05-21T15:12:00.000+01:00

I have just got back from my second exam. when i arrived at college this afternoon i first took a trip to the notice board to see what room i was in and my seat number etc. i soon discovered i was seated in the sports hall. the worst possible room to take an exam in. for these very reasons...

It is always far to hot!
the hall is so long whatever words are spoken for example instructions is echoed so much no-one can understand what has been said.
it has a wooden floor
there is a balcony which is a short cut into the gym which means at random points during an exam some IDIOT students decides to run across the balcony into the gym

during my exam i realised i was getting extremely distracted. this however is nothing new and did not shock me in the slightest. i also realised i was getting extremely annoyed. this did surprise me. how is it possible to get extremely annoyed when its silent?? when everyone has there heads down writing away?? when there is no movement?? perhaps i wouldn't have got annoyed if those were the surroundings i was in!

the room was boiling hot, i was melting
the head of general studies was wearing high heels and decided to walk up and down the hall, how inconsiderate. this got me so angry i was sitting at my desk so annoyed so wanting to just stand up and shout at her to stop walking around, but i could do nothing. surely she could hear the noise she was making.
the man in charge of the exam (he was actually a very funny bloke) was handing out a second paper to the students who had a second exam afterwards, but instead of placing the exam paper on the floor next to each student he decided to drop the paper from waste height next to each one, which on a wooden floor makes a lot of noise! again INCONSIDERATE!
two ladies (one of which was the head of G.S... the one in the high stupid heals! and the other an elderly lady wearing tights and sandals with a tattoo up her leg - she was about 70!!!) decided to have a conversation, right behind me. they were whispering of course because it was an exam but YOUR RIGHT BEHIND ME I CAN STILL HEAR YOU!!
half way through the exam it was made clear that when you have finished you can get up and go. ok, that was nice not making people hang around for 45 mins. but i mean come on for those of us who had only just started getting into it, it was a bit unfair, with people rushing past you every 5 minutes.
when an exam is on the gym is closed so to cut down distractions for those in the sports hall. the gym is closed and has big yellow sings on all doors stating that an exam is in process. so why do some stupid students find it necessary to run across the balcony to get to the gym even though they would have gone past about 10 signs saying there is an exam, only to find it is locked and so have to go back across the balcony to get out again.

those were just some of the reasons i was getting annoyed. quite understandable i think. but i came out of that exam and when sharing with some Friends how badly it went for me i soon realised i was making excuses for my own poor effort. i was trying to justify not concentrating, i was blaming everything else on performing badly when at the end of the day it was down to me, it was my fault, i was letting myself get distracted, i was letting myself get so angry and so wound up by the clonking noise of those stupid heels that i didnt work to the best of my ability, that i couldn't focus on how we know bumble Bea's can fly (yes that was one of the actual questions, just a shame they all wernt that easy!). this has made me think a lot about my spiritual life. how often i make excuses, how often i try and justify things that just simply shouldn't be justified, how often i get so easily distracted by other people/ a flickering light/ whats in the sandwich the children are eating, that i loose my focus on what im doing. those of you that know me well, will know that my concentration is appalling, i could be in the middle of a serious conversation with someone and my concentration can just disappear so i for one struggle with distractions and focus a lot in my "worship times" but seem to always manage to justify it, either, that's not relevant to me or gods not really wanting to spend time with me right now, perhaps i can have a better quiet time listening to a different CD, or gods giving me this opportunity to go to this place because if he didn't he wouldn't have made mum have no social life so i could have the car. how easy is it... extremely! but at the end of the day, we will all be judged and have to explain ourselves, no poor justifications will do then, we will have to give valid reasons as to why we made excuses and blamed everything else but ourselves. why is it that we do that? why do we find it so hard to except responsability of our own but we seem to except responsability that isnt ours like a piece of cake?? is it wrong that i am still sooo wound up?? how can people be so inconderate and oblivious to things that are smack bang right front of their face?? how can people not see how their actions are affecting the people around them?? how is it possible people in "high" places (higher than myself anyway!) are allowed to be so hypicrytical?? that when someone else does something they are the first person to critize or bad mouth them but then go and do exactly the same??

sorry more questions!

book reading update...

2007-05-18T09:58:00.000+01:00

i just thought i would let the world know i am now over half way through my second book of the year! woohoo!

this book seems to have taken me less time than the other one though so perhaps my reading skills ARE improving!! or maybe i have just procrastinated more?? either way its getting the book finished!!!

i am finding however, that all this reading business is turning me into someone "different"!! i sat in my car the other day for an hour and a bit simply just reading!!!!!!!! whats happening to me!! (please note i didnt leave my house just to go and sit in the car to read! i was out and couldn't be bothered to drive home!!!)

funny observation!!

2007-05-17T14:28:00.000+01:00

why is it that people seem to be so un-aware?? i know this is kind of "the topic of the week" for blogs but im taking another slant on it (a bit of a light hearted on i must admit (no surprise there!!))

i was queuing in the ladies toilet today at college, nothing new there really - there is like two toilets for the whole of the college!! (yes ok a slight exaggeration!) and me and the rest of the people in the Que had to listen to these two girls conversation they were having over the toilet. now ok when they went into the separate cubicles there may not have been anyone else in the room however there was now and we were all listening to what they were saying. it wasn't the nicest of conversations either, certainly not appropriate for half the college to be listening, but these two girls were totally oblivious that there was a Que outside their doors of at least 10 other students. the look on their faces when they came out though was a picture!

i find this quite often at work. there is no door separating our restaurant and kitchen but for some reason when your in the kitchen you completely forget that the people in the restaurant can hear you, so when your moaning about the grumpy old smelly man in the corner that is smelling out the whole restaurant, the next time you go round into the restaurant your wondering why hes giving you funny looks and doesn't tip you!!

i think its being aware of your surroundings. like you can become so focused on what YOU are doing and in the place YOU are at you forget about OTHERS. hmm, i guess it only really becomes a real issue when you are aware but choose to be un-aware?? because if you are not aware that you are un-aware of people then there isn't much you can do about it, is there???

too many questions

2007-05-15T20:08:00.000+01:00

what do you do when everything you seem to do turns out to be the wrong thing?? when you plan to do something for someone but circumstances turn out so that thing cant be done and the other person takes it personally?? when you find yourself letting your friends down time after time?? when people who deserve so much get so little and no matter what you do will never make up for what they are missing?? when you cant seem to see past your own situation to help another the best way possible?? when you wont let people "in" who care because you don't feel like you deserve their love?? when you are so passionate about helping and being there for OTHERS but are so aware that you have to be in the right place first?? when you think you have your future planned out, you know what direction you want to head in but things happen that completely "rock the boat" and leave you with no direction?? what do you do when your faced with a situation and you know how you should react, you know the best way to react but you don't do either of them and the way you end up reacting is the worst way possible?? when you can see so much good coming out of the thing that is causing you so much anguish?? when you cant seem to focus your concentration on the things that will decide your future?? when some of your closest friends are going through some really hard times and you cant seem to find the right words?? when you push people away time after time knowing each time you do so they may not bother a again and although your outside is rock hard inside it means so much that they care enough to bother about you?? that you feel so out of control in the things your in you try and grab control over the stupidest of things?? when the person you sit next to on a bus or stand behind in a que or buy your petrol from or walk past on your way to church is so trapped in the life they are in and you know a god that knows them by name and you don't have enough guts to share it with them?? when you buy a homeless guy a hot chocolate but say nothing when you give it to him is that really helping??

wrong numbers can get annoying!

2007-05-14T15:25:00.000+01:00

ok so today i have just had my fourth wrong number in like 2 weeks. The wrong numbers consist of these...

a woman last week left a message on our phone saying "hi Julie its me im just err ringing to err remind you, no not remind you, to err confirm that you are still ok to meet me and Catherine on the dates we said next week. i am going round to Catherine's on Wednesday for a coffee and a chat, you are more than welcome to come but i think you have work, so err not to worry if you cant, but err can you give me a call to let me know either way. ok, thanks, bye bye. two things about this one.... one - whats with the err-ing?? and two - she is inviting someone who she knows will be at work around someone elses house!!
a man left an answer phone message on our phone also last week saying something along the lines of... "oh yes hello, i would like one large pizza, two lots of chicken and chips and a side salad. if you could make it snappy that would be good. bye bye. this man doesnt say what he wants on his pizza and doesnt leave a name or what time he wil be round to collect it!
i accidentaly text the wrong person yesterday afternoon because i wasn't really paying attention to what i was doing. whoops genral mistake!!
and.... today i have just hung up the phone from the estate agent that is selling out house. the phone call went something like this... me: heeeello e.a.:oh you know what haha me: errr e.a.: i didnt want you me: oh (im now thinking Charmin!!) e.a. sorry i have dialled the wrong number i wanted the people buying your house me: oh ok sorry bye e.a. i do apologise its been a long day me: ok not to worry bye e.a. ok sorry again, take care bye bye. how many times do i have to say bye for her to get the picture i am busy!!

four incidents of wrong numbers!! and each one (apart from the text incident) finished with bye bye, not just bye or c ya later, or toodaloo but bye bye, how odd! i am starting to think the second one and possibly the first one were prank calls but how odd i have had four incidents in such a small space of time and they all say the same thing at the end!! hmm!!

the after affect...

2007-05-11T23:04:00.000+01:00

how boring actually is my life?? before i went to roots i would say on average i blogged every 2 - 3 days but now i have come back my life seems so UN-eventful, soooo not bloggage material. i mean my life is still jam packed busy and things still happen but nothing has seemed to hit me like a good ol' "ive gota blog that" moment!

the major things in my week i would have blogged about this time two weeks ago...

we had a fire alarm at college. it was only a drill so no real panic but what i found extremely odd was that when the fire alarm started ringing i was 'chillin' in the canteen with some friends during a free period. the alarm started ringing and everyone just stayed sitting down, chatting, eating as if nothing was happening. i started laughing at the fact that there was this really really loud ringing noise that was obviously the alarm going on and it took three members of security and the canteen ladies to shut the food counter for people to start moving!..... THERE COULD BE A FIRE obviously didn't come across anyones mind!!
i played in a 5-aside football tournament at college and have burnt my arm by making a cracking save. my arm is all pusey but we won the tournament so its all good.
i have been clearing out my bedroom over the past few days and have found loads of photos from years ago. i spent ages just sitting and reminiscing about the good ol' days. i was looking at my photos from my holiday in Florida last year, it was such a good holiday. and photos from my last day in year 11, oh i was so young!
i saw a friend of mine that i havent seen for a good two years when i was on my way to work tonight and she commented this... "wow you look so different, you actually look like a girl!"... compliment?? insult?? both?? hmmm... after that comment i kind of gave a fake cheap little laugh to amuse her, but then she followed with "no seriously you have really changed since i last saw you, at school you didn't care what people thought of you, you weren't bothered about impressing people" (again another fake little laugh) "i liked that about u, but im not sure if the new you is better"... WHAT! the "new" me??... shes basically saying i looked like a man in school and now ive grown up and take pride in what i look like im wrong??!!

but it did make me think about the way we influence people without even realising it. this very thought came to my head quite a bit over the roots weekend, about how our everyday attitude could make a much bigger difference of someone than inviting them to church every week. by living out what we believe can impact people better than the words we preach.... it's the whole actions speak louder than words thing again. and to be honest i think its still better to have both words and actions than one without the other!!

bit of a rubbish blog and so i apologise just i need to keep my numbers up!!!

Roooooooots!

2007-05-07T21:30:00.000+01:00

Posh hotel + a wristband to get into anywhere + god + lots of great friends - lots of sleep x 4days = WOW an incredible and powerful weekend... that is all I'm going to say!

apart from this...

I started off the weekend in the parklife venue. This for me was comfortable, i was used to and liked; the music, the surrounds / place / environment, the "presenters" were very familiar, the people that were there were all very similar to myself, it fitted with the "routine" of past years. i liked this, i was comfortable in who i was and what i was doing and why i was there. until i realised... i knew what was going to come next, i found myself predicting what was going to be the next thing. this isn't what i wanted, i wanted to be shook up, i wanted to be standing somewhere that i hadn't been before, i wanted a new fresh challenge, i needed to see god in a new way, which is why i moved to the big top. Now, please don't miss-interpret what i am saying, i thought parklife was great and i know loads of people that really got challenged in there and had a really good weekend in the venue, I'm saying it wasn't right for me, but i know a lot of people who it was just right, spot on for them. anyway ill come back to the point of this paragraph! in parklife there was a black tent type thing with the word 'Emmanuel' written in white along the back wall. in one of the sessions as part of the response time we were encouraged to go and pray in the 'tent' and hand over the 'things' you need to, to god, to leave them in the tent kind of thing. however i really struggled with this. How is it possible to completely surrender a whole situation to god and leave it with him, its obviously having a huge impact on the persons life for it to even be considered to give to god, so how can the person "take it off" and hand it over to god?? if it is so involved in your life, that your character has been developed around this thing, that you've let it "impose" itself on your life then how is it possible to simply one day stop worrying about it, stop thinking about it, stop doing the things that have added to it. It was said that when you hand this thing over to him god will come so close to you, which OK i can understand... if your knee is itching but you are wearing jeans it is very hard to itch your knee the way it needs to be itched but as soon as you take the jeans off the itch can be itched properly and so i can understand when the barrier is removed god feels closer, but surely you need god to come closer when the thing is still there to help you remove it, a god of love surly doesn't say "OK do this massive thing that i know is going to be extremely hard for you and your going to struggle in it and possibly come close to giving up and not until you have done that will i come close and support you"??!! unless you are meant to ask god to help you in removing this "thing" but i don't understand how that works because if the thing is removing you / blocking you from god and changing your thoughts to negative views of god how can we be expected to call on him??? also, what if the thing that is being that blockage is a situation god has put you in?? what if you are in a situation that you know you have been given and you are there for reasons only god knows, but part of that situation makes up these barriers or reactions to the god given situation creates the blockages, the things you do as a result of the situation is what needs to be handed over to god or the situation itself has got too much and is becoming the very thing that's getting between you and god... how can you turn around to god and say "you've put me in this situation that has now cause me to doubt you"??? it doesn't work out. the ideal thing to do is just never ever let things come between you and god but thats all nice saying that but 99.99% of people do.

How can this be solved???

btw... i know the theme was "others" and so much other stuff (nearly all realated to the theme) has touched me and spoken to me over the weekend but all of which i can try and figer out myself, however the thing that is almost completely not related to the theme is the thing that has got me stuck!!

the 'roots feeling'

2007-05-03T13:59:00.001+01:00

yes i know two blogs in one day but we will be away for the weekend so have to make up 4 it!!!

never-the-less... roots is here again. i am actually quite worried about where that year has gone. looking back and trying to recall some "important" moments of the year that has gone and i cant help but think.... wow i really need to slow down and remember each day for simply being a day not rush through them not wanting to wait until the next day.

anywho... i really don't feel "up for it" this year. im not excited and bouncing off the walls (anymore than my normal self!) with anticipation. i dont know why really. but in less than approx 24hours i will be there and that is not making me go yay!! this is odd. not normally like me.
i was chatting with a friend the other week and they were saying how they can't wait to get back into the whole atmosphere of the weekend, i was talking with another friend who isn't going this year but is feeling really gutted about it and is missing it already. im just not getting that. i want that roots feeling. ive just been on the website to try and "get my head in the game!" but that hasn't worked either really. i just dont want to let this weekend fly by and not take any of it in because i know it can really help me but... will i let it!!

my night at the gym

2007-05-03T13:59:00.000+01:00

ive just got to blog about the best time i had at the gym last night. i know this makes me sound like a proper geek but i just cant help it! every time i glanced down at the time on the machine another 10 mins had gone without me even realising it. a great run! i must have had so much energy... i just kept going!! and wat was odd was that i didnt get bored! normally i get bored after the first 10 / 15 mins but not last night!

also... i read two whole chapters of the book i am reading!... two whole chapters without a rest!! well done me!!!!

bad things happen in.... hmm!!

2007-05-01T16:04:00.000+01:00

bad things happen in three's is the saying is i think... however today was a bonus for me!! let me elaborate...

i woke up at some ridicules hour in the morning last night and just could not get back to sleep. it was one of those times where it took me absolutely ages to fall asleep in the first place then i awoke at what seemed like only seconds after i had fallen asleep. i new i was really tied so i was getting frustrated because i couldn't fall asleep and then my frustration was becoming the reason i couldn't get back to sleep!!
i got pooped on!!! yes you can all laugh!! i was in romford with claire and the stupid fat pigeon pin pointed me, aimed, fired and got me right on the head!! - not amused!!
as i was coming out of superdrug after spraying some body spray on my hair to try and hide the poop smell i spilt my ribena everywhere
was at the till in primark buying some denim shorts, put my card in the machine thing and it was declined... i had forgotten it was out of date!
was walking out of mark1 and fell over a massive pile of jeans that were laying in the middle of the floor!
got home, washed my hair and was ironing my work shirt for tonight and the iron decides to put brown marks all over my shirt!!!

all in all im not impressed!! what has been said recently about all the little annoying things that you just think "why?" are all meant to happen for a reason!!! hmmm not sure that i agree anymore!!!

however... i am top of kirtsy's blog list... yay.... whoop... woohoo!!!!!!!!!!

why???

2007-04-29T14:34:00.000+01:00

just a mix of things going on for me at the moment.... I'm in one of those kind of moods!

inconsiderate people... people that are only out for themselves. they will do anything to please themselves but never stop and think what affect their choices are having on people around them. then when someone gives them a extremely small insight into what they are doing to try and get some seance of responsibility, they deny all responsibility and back away as fast as they can.

Exams... what is the point???... they only test your memory, how much your brain can hold yet they can determine the rest of your life.

time management... why do i fill my day with a load of stuff when i know i need to be doing other things. why do i need to please people and cant say no. why am i so busy my friends seem to come last. why is it only when i am traveling to/from places i spend time with god. why do i never set aside time for 'me'.

money.... everything should be free... why was money invented??? it only causes stress and divide!

masks... why, when we can see one side to a person and it is really not very nice can other people not see it. and not only can they not see that side they don't even believe it could be there they just cant see it. That they try and convince you your wrong yet your waiting for the day those ignorant people will see that person in their true colours.

peoples opinions... what do people really think of me. what is it that makes that opinion. do the things other people in my life do, affect the way people look at me.

trust... who can i trust, i mean really trust. who can i open up to. who is gracious enough to let me share my insides with them.

God... God loves me. we have been here so many times before and on so many peoples blogs and so many different takes on those words. God loves me. no matter what anyone else does to me, says to me / about me, doesn't do and is meant to do, god is always there sharing his love. but the thing is his love still doesn't seem to make up for those people that are meant to but don't, or do but don't show us. it should because his love is much more than human love but we need human love too don't we?? human love from the people that are meant to love us?? why, when i am not even worthy of god to spit on, does he open up his arms and comfort me.

me... am i too self centered?? should i be concentrating on other people not myself?? should i be focusing on helping other people with their problems rather than looking for people to hep me with mine??

turning to the dark side!!!!

2007-04-26T22:15:00.000+01:00

so... i was in WHSmiths the other day buying a text book for my A-level PE course when i found myself intrigued into what other books they sell that i could read :-0!! i actually read the back of quite a few book that looked quite attractive. I nearly brought 2 books, until i stopped myself and was fully aware of the realisation of what i was about to do - freaked out - so put them back and made a quick exit!

however, i would quite like to read another book before i go to university, so if anyone has a christian book they think is worth while reading, not loads and loads of pages and would like to lend me or give me the title of so i could buy it i would really appreciate it! - remember i am a beginner at this reading business though!!

suggestions welcomed!